control .

i was never really a control freak....probably because i never really felt like i had a lot of control to begin with, but i learned to adapt. being an air sign allows me to flow with life and whatever it throws at me, and considering the very colorful life i have fulfilled so far, without trying to grasp control, it has still been great with some turbulence.

the last time i heard my father's voice was on the phone, unfortunetly i had to hurry him off because i was in a foul mood that morning. i was in the middle of discussing the ends of a relationship with someone who was too scared to be with me in the first place.  it was sad because i could hear the desperation in my father's voice as he exhaled, 'we haven't talked in a month,' he said, but i was still upset from his last visit and my voice was raspy from having the flu for the past week and my eyes were waterlogged and, well, i just couldn't.

in the course of the next few months, i have been continuosly crying over the same person and the communication between my father and i have been pretty much nonexistent. my dad text messaged me once, explaining he would use the time of silence between us to self reflect. sigh, if only he wasn't egocentric to automatically assume it was all about him. a month later i shot him an email explaining most of my feelings. each day i didnt talk to my dad got harder and harder to call him. i guess i didn't know how to start.

'im sure you are smart enough to figure out that your father may still be happy to see you,' a friend told me.'yea....' i replied.

yesterday came, the day before my father's birthday. people claimed that my father thought i was still mad at him so he didn't expect to see me on his birthday. i finally text him, that i was in town and sick but would like to see him. a little later i got a reply, saying he would rather talk to me one-on-one but he wouldn't like to see me on his birthday. i know a person in his situation would like the control of feeling like he rejected someone after he had felt rejected all this time. kudos, dad, for feeling like a real man.

i don't consider myself a very smart girl, just very observant. but i do think its very interesting at age twenty five i would be teaching things to my parents.

i still cry over the guy i liked. he is too busy to think of me, maybe too scared to contact me, and too busy and stupid to care. very slowly i have been trying to move forward, because i don't deserve this and im too strong for this shit anyways. i guess that is some sort of grasp for control, but more or less i think of it as grasping another direction of air to carry me through life. because other than the rigids of turbulence, life is still sweet.