free jello!

okay i was kidding theres no free jello. ah im such a bitch! hahaha

once again these are more thoughts of a neurotic thinker and compulsive analyzer. if you feel the need, save yourself and find something else to read. or, you can scroll to the bottom and check out the random question of the day. otherwise… here it goes….

i think the only word that can really sum up how i feel is fatigue. the problem is that ive been feeling like this for a while now. this morning is a bad morning… im irritated, stressed out, frustrated, and hyperactive and overly pensive. damn neurotic tendencies.

[ GALLERY WORK AND APPAREL. ]

january was a crazy month to me, more or lesstwo big shows back to back seperated by a week. i am currently working on mike bilz’s show as a featured artist, and working on ‘the kids are alright’ national tour with cerasoli le basse, throwing in a piece for the hive gallery for ‘hiveland,’ and i have a solo show in june. im working as much as i can, and im focusing on a very personal and intimate concept, but my paintings arent coming out as well as i have hoped. perhaps more or less i get frustrated when painting takes more than a week. i should be happy right now, generally i am. i work on the things i love, which is really fantastic, and a luxury. i have a fantastic lifestlye, i paint all day, i socialize at night for a break. i work on mostly paintings, i also teach part time twice a week, i have a hollywood socializing part time job as well, when i get around to it, i also focus on my apparel. i should focus on my apparel, but i get so stressed out over how horribly the launch went, its hard to even start. i know i need to get over it, the lesson of these past few months is to learn to move forward and not romanticize misery… i just need another minute, im still pissed off. it also irks me that i havent been generating as much cash as i want to from gallery. its a slow business, and i need to network better ( i blame myself and for some odd reason, being relelntlessly shy with gallery curators.)

since its only fair, here are some of the pics of paintings that are still in limbo…. an acrylic purgatory.

ominous mess.

“poor winter luck” : about being able to be vulnerable and fail but getting back up again.

“you will be smothered by the love around you” : about the long road to recovery and discovering the help that surrounds you. i shouldnt quote a tv show, its tacky.. but desperate housewives, ‘good friends offer help, great friends take it.’ i actually feel that because i am a stubborn person and a character of pride.. but when do you let your guard down and accept help, accept love? the strength sometimes lies in the power of admitting weakness and acceptance.

[ PART TIMES: TEACHING AND PRODUCT KNOWLEDGE. ]

another thing im frustrated with is my part time as a teacher, i love working with people and trying to help them with art, its something ive always wanted to do, but i get so frustrated that a month paycheck for teaching is less than one night working as a promotional model for johnny walker.. that and the two parking tickets i received the past two weeks cut my paycheck in half, that was really, really depressing. speaking of promo modeling, i was hired for product knowledge on wednesday at a hostess bar in san gabriel.

this is a gift my friend gave me that traveled all the way from china but found a way to me. its pretty random but its relevent to how im feeling today.

[ HOSTESS BAR & THE SEX WORKER INDUSTRY. ]

…. cultural experince and internet response ….

i blogged this on my account on alivenotdead.com: i went to my first hostess bar, and for me, it was a cultural experience and for me, self reflection. i spent most of the night hanging out with clients, one was informing more about the culture of hostess bars. hostess bar is lingering in the grey of sex worker industry, in my opinion. and im not to say that hostess bars are bad, they are deeply rooted in asian culture. from the standpoint of an american, of a female, and of a chinese american, i have sympathy for both sexes in this culture: i was informed that some men that go to hostess bars go to seek attention that they are not getting at home, because no one will pay attention to them or listen to what they have to say — to me, i cant imagine having to throw down cash in exchange to feel appreciated. i have sympathy for the girls because the culture in hostess bars is sexual harassment/assault that is socially acceptable. perhaps im too proud as a person and i cant put a price on my body or to be degraded mentally. i couldnt allow someone to throw cash at me so they can put their hand up my skirt or down my shirt. not gonna lie though, the cash can be good. some girls get $600 a day, which is a pretty penny. the stuff i witnessed at the hostess bar was pretty g-rated, but is something i personally have no desire to go back to. i dont have pity for people who are invoveld in this culture, just sympathy to these ideas because i am not one to judge. and i have no quarrels with the sex worker industry per say, more or less sympathy for some areas as well… respond more to an individual basis, does the person understand themselves and what they are doing? is it healthy? how can they progress and lead their lives? etc. personally i  dig strip clubs, hooters, seeing import models, perhaps i have a better understanding of the culture as well (according to ariel levy’s ‘female chauvinist pigs,’ i would fall on the lines as a female chauvinist, which is a terrible oxymoron.) i need to thoroughly research the image scene of southern california, because thats fascinating as well - for instance, i know that its hard to keep record of polling the sex worker industry, but technically about 98% of sex workers were sexually abused. i think my current thought recently is the women who get breast augmentation but who already have ample breasts, but alter themselves because they want the ‘plastic’ look — fun fact, barbie dolls were modeled off german sex dolls (levy, p187), pretty crazy huh? how bout that for your childhood.

im not even saying im right or wrong, just chucking in my two cents. it was interesting because after i blogged my thoughts on alivenotdead.com, i got some pretty interesting responses. i noticed more of the people who responded back were male, and that they do have a point that everybody is a consenting adult in these situations; but from my standpoint, some of the things that the men do can get pretty intense, i think more or less i sympathize from the female standpoint against the concept that it is socially acceptable, sexual degradation — i dont care about money, if i had any man, especially more than twice my age, force his hand up my dress or in my bra.. i would knock his face so far in, he would be finding his teeth in his fecal matter. id annihlate them. which was why i was apprehensive working in that type of establishment in a high crime area…i was like, okay this is it, i most likely will get stabbed tonight…

i was surprised that so many people responded to what i had to say, and i appreciate different points of view… i try to remain egalitarian and sympathize for both sexes in this cutlure… i went in thorough on the female debate just now..

because life and culture is sharing and learning… one of the people who wrote back is a lovely female who makes $1500 a day. holy shit… work iiitttttt

i dont think im a very smart or intelligent girl, just an obsessive, neurotic thinker.

as for the southern california nightlife, i think the fact that i am working behind the scene more these days makes me burn out faster. its the same thing — work, party, drink, dance, eat at 3am, some people go off and do drugs, crash between 5 or 6am. doing this every week of every month for years at a time — the lifestyle is a business, and it works and all, but doesnt it get monotonous? i usually ask people if they are happy, if they want to expand on their lifestyle. perhaps now its a comfort zone, because i know for me its like living in an episode of cheers, but instead of one bar its three, plus the hollywood clubs. im a spoiled brat…

after party eats, a wee morning ritual. young, who hired me from aaaza to work as  johnny walker product knowledge of the night, was starving. i took him to the local kick it spot called jr in san gabriel… we had our meats… filet mingon cubes, french style/black pepper; ox tail hot pot with veggies, kung pao chicken. we talked about his fascinating life, growing up in several parts of europe and finding a good fit in los angeles. love it. pretty glad we went to the hostess bar and didnt get hastled or shot or stabbed, since it is an area filled with rival gang culture. perhaps another culture i might research as well.

oh dear god i was eating at kt in monterey park last night and there was a movie playing while we were eating… and there was a scene where this guy gets angry at this girl for not being sexually responsive, so he shoves a bunch of coke in her face and he rapes her… it was awful. i cant watch stuff like that, i use to break down if i saw anything that resembled that…. and perhaps thats more of my female/american culture talking… because i cant fathom why its important to show that in cinema… i know someone who plays a lot of bad guy roles, and i cant watch any of his films because i dont think i can handle how.. bad… he can get in his roles. sucks!

[ ASIANS IN THE MEDIA. ]

…. quest dance crew …

okay this is completely unrelated but on the topic of journeys, my friends from quest crew have landed the top 3 spot on mtv’s americas best dance crew!!! WOOOO!!! super stoked! those guys are so freakin talented its nuts. true artists, genuine people, funny as hell — you cant not love them. oh and i was also talking to someone about steve terada - they said steve terada is a ‘legend’ in the martial arts world (as far as karate goes) more or less, a really really talented guy. i texted steve and told him that i was talking shit about him and that he sucked. he called me something bad… hahaha. i owe him double mexican, a birthday burrito and congratulatory tacos.

pretty random, just me and hok being weirdos..

…. kollaberation 9 ….

tonight is kollaberation, (http://www.kollaboration.org/) pretty much a huge asian american talent show.. its amazing.. and jo koy will be there! holy crap hes hilllaaarrriiiiiiooouuussss! go check it out! id go but im working.. super lame!!!!

wow blogging all of this made me feel a lot better, but maybe i will take an impulse drive to san diego tomorrow, i still havent decided….

[ MUSIC OF THE WEEK. ]

i have to give a shout out to someone i found on alivenotdead.com:

introducing, kid fresh… a mixer currently located in hong kong. he sent me this mix online, and i listen to it literally everyday. i told him that if my artwork could barf it would sound like his mixes — in retrospect i dont think he got it since he doesnt know me, but i say with with love. this ish is pretty ill.

http://palmsout.net/music/mixes/Palms%20Out%20Mix%20Series%20Vol.%206_%20Winter%20In%20Shanghai.mp3

i also have ‘fast and the furious tokyo drift’ sdtk.. which is really embarrassing to admit, but whatever i love that bad movie and the hot actors in it… and i love the music…

leonardo nam, me, brian tee.. they both play bad boys who kinda get shafted in the movie…really fantastic guys, very down to earth.  leo has an australian accent, so anything he says is charming… what a jerk! haha

[ QUESTION OF THE WEEK. ]

ooh random! i was watching the travel channel and they ate beluga whale!!! crazynesss… that had nothing to do with anything but i was pretty freakin amused…

have you ever looked at something and wondered what it tasted like? what is something that you havent tried but wouldnt mind nibbling on?

there are two answers for this question, something conventional and unconventional.. perhaps answer 1 could besomething that you cant pronounce at french laundry… real, authentic gnocci, or buffalo jerky…answer 2 could be a beluga whale, goldfish, doorknob…

oh and check this out:

http://www.fmylife.com/

this is awesome and and an awesome waste of time!