’selfish’ vs ‘the narcissist’

i went to dinner with a guy about a week ago to a very nice french restaurant - i can’t remember the name of it, but it was formerly justin timberlake’s spot, “chi”. between the authentic french stew, succulent beef cheek, and baba jar, a question was asked, ‘what do you think the meaning of life is?’

“i’ve been philisophical lately,” my friend explained.

I paused. “honestly… i don’t really care,” i laughed.

“I can see that…. you’re an artist,” he said, “but give it a shot.”

i sat there for a second, and the only thing i collaborate was cohesive to my current theme of ‘upward movement’. i explained that, to strive to be a better person, to evolve, and to do well for others, could be the meaning of life.

in turn, he explained procreation was his thought. to produce offspring.

“i wouldn’t have mentioned procreation, because i think that’s a given,” i replied. “everything procreates, it lives and dies, it reproduces, so i wouldn’t even bother mentioning it.”

“not just procreation, but passing onto the next generation.” he elaborated by explaining that everything that he becomes, he later sacrifices for the good of his offspring.

“but can’t someone do well for others, even if it’s not for their kid?” i asked. but that wasn’t the point of his ‘meaning of life’. i felt strongly that people could do well for others, whether or not there is a bloodline. would it counted if people adopted kids? to him it wasn’t the same, because there was no sacrifice or preparation to give or pass onto their actual children.

“when i hear people say they don’t want kids,” he added, “the first thing i think of is, they’re selfish,” which i could see, because it wasn’t cohesive to his idea. nevertheless, it made me laugh.

i raised my hand, “i am honest to god, selfish. i am twenty-six years old. i am young and focusing on my career, and i can’t afford to take care of anything but myself” (i’m also afraid of what giving birth will do to my body, which i admit is flirts with the line of not only selfish, but self-centered.) “but what i don’t get is why people feel obligated to have their own children, why not adopt? i heard the comedian, janeane garofalo, bring it up during an show, that people who feel that they have to have their own kids are, in a way, narcissistic. why must someone recreate another version of themselves, because really, what’s so great about you?”

he snickered.

more or less, that is how our conversation went. i dont believe that having your own kids is self-centered or absurd. i wouldn’t mind having my own kids, but i think the only reason why i would be curious to have my own kid(s) is 1) well given the equipment, i feel a mild obligation to do so, but really 2) if i marry another crazy artist, we could have some crazy-weird-super human art baby, and i’m curious to see how they would affect the world. yet knowing my luck and enjoying the ironies in life, i would not be surprised if my child resented art and became an accountant.

at this dinner in this place in time, we have in one corner, the narcissist, and i, the selfish.

the confrontation of that question made me think, am i doing enough in this life for others? it was a scary question, because i didn’t know how to answer.

i was glad that i was able to talk to the couer d’alene’s first grade classes about my experience struggling at their age with a disability. the thing that was interesting to me, that i learned about myself, was that talking about having a disability was embarrassing. i never felt embarrassed about it before, or at least i never thought about it much to even feel anything. it’s one thing to have it visible to others (as i have placed it in public biographical summaries) something about saying it out loud to other people felt too real, and sometimes i forget it ever happened. considering the person who i turned out to be, i feel like i was born three years ago and my life before didn’t happen.  my history of not only my impairment (which was an auditory disability and speech impediment) is not the only thing that made me a stronger person, but abusive relationships i have suffered under, the post traumatic stress i have endured, and the ten years it took for me to start healing, are stories i keep to tell others, in hopes they can learn from the burdens i have experienced. these are stories i know too well to a person i am not anymore.  this is honestly the theme of my work from the past few years. and not only that, the real message is to not feel impaired by obstacles but to become empowered, and how to progress and be a better person. i share this hoping that it may contribute to others in their own way.

as i have mentioned before, the children were very receptive and a pleasure to talk to. i hope to have more experiences speaking to others like that in the future. it made me realize i should talk more and share my story. as i drove home onto the freeway, i lingered on the question of whether i was morally progressing as an individual.

during the past twenty-four hours, i had two students share something with me. one student informed me that she made it into the school of visual arts. the message was on my facebook page, she also wrote, ‘i couldn’t have done it without you.’ i felt so proud, in a way i tear up but i wouldn’t allow myself to cry. i know she meant it because i refused to see her fail, and i helped any way i could, even giving advice via text messaging at 130am. i told another student that i was willing to revise his essays, which i made the third and final revision when i came home from work at 4am. that’s how i am with all the students i have been helping, whether it is because coming into this teaching job, i always felt like i had a lot to prove, and i am too proud a person to let someone fall under my watch.

the second student and i talked today via facebook chat, and he mentioned that he wrote about me in his art center essay as a person who has been an artistic influence in his life. it was really unexpected, because i know that i have had confrontations with this student ( which were really, quite scary). i have always been frustrated because he has great potential but expressed little motivation. i am surprised that he mentioned me as a positive light, and it reminded me of who i am.

then i realized looking back, a good amount of students have shared something with me this past year. one girl left for college on the east coast and during her first week of school, she told me that i should have received commission because she’s not sweating bullets in her painting class. another student made me a card, and explained that i was the only one who taught her how to paint. with other students, i felt gratified because i taught them how to paint or use materials and they were able to win awards with their artwork. a couple were nice enough to give me presents, a clock for christmas, a chocolate bunny, feathered hair clips…just …..insanely generous.

i feel proud to say that i am a teacher, even if i haven’t been doing it for long and i only do it part-time. i think what really counts is that i will continually give, and i feel that i am a teacher deep in my heart. i’m glad i can contribute to others’ lives. so perhaps i have been fulfilling myself morally.

this coming from the other side of the table… ‘the selfish’.

this is the front and back of the envelop my student made me - i would post the card up but its sensitive matter without their consent

soo cute!!!

thats me on the left, and her on the right

the chocolate bunny my student said looked like me (which is true)

i didnt even stop to think of the irony of having a chocolate easter bunny on vday, haha

fun with ibooth on my mac computer

my students hard at work…. so proud ♥