three things

ive done three interesting things today.

1. i talked to my friend about leaving her company for another. it was hard, but we talked as friends and as business networks and we were very open to dialogue. i knew i needed to explain it face to face, which meant i had to drive down to a venue i swore i would never go back to, which was gang territory. i know its the best possible solution for me right now: my parents are going through some trouble with their tenants, and money is thin right now. my sister is moving to los angeles soon, my parents will have to support her rent as well. my other sister might go to grad school. my parents help support me, but i do all i can with teaching five (now seven) classes, and now i work for three promotional companies, contribute to two apparel lines, among the gallery shows i need to worry about. i have spread myself thin doing the artist thing, and with the economy goes my pride. when i was getting freelance, i made my rent in two days, i felt happy and successful and i felt like i could support myself. but as the economy grew to shit, ive had less work, or more work with less pay. what i would make at a club is almost what i made an hour doing freelance. initially it seemed like a huge waste of time working at these club venues but i learned to suck my pride and do what i have to do in order to survive. being an artist is hard, in school the statistic was 2% would make it on their art alone. and then the economy hit. proud to say that i am still thriving in the art world but its hard. i think back to my art teacher, gary: he said to work smarter, not harder. this life experience made me value hard work even more so (its something i have always valued, because ive been working since i was twelve, but this is different.) i explained to my friend that if i had a better paying career, i wouldnt have switched companies, but under my situation, i dont feel like i have a choice. she and i are on excellent terms still, and i am so grateful.

2. i wrote to my father. i havent really spoken to my dad much in the past few months more or less because i have been busy, but also because we are going through tough times as a family. it just pushes me to evolve as a person, but there are some things that my dad said that are hard to move forward. finally i gave him some insight. there are a few things i learned these past few months: its okay to be emotional, but at a certain point youre gonna have to draw the line and figure out how to move on from the situation and evolve. the second thing is, when is it time you man up to the situation? what is it that you have to suck up in order to move forward, whether its eating your mistakes, admitting when you are wrong, whatever it is, it goes back to evolving.

3. i wrote to a friend who i stopped talking to — but just for the meantime. we were in a very hurtful and stressful situation, and i know the time and space between us will strengthen our friendship. its been hard without them though. its hard to assess the best for a situation without sacrificing pride.  perhaps the third lesson is, what do you have to do in order to get healthy closure.

…growing up sucks.