ups and DOWNS

So I'm almost a month into my trip and I have two more weeks to go before I get home. Today I woke up wanting to kill for some reason. I've had many ups and downs since I've been out here but over all this trip is very good for me. I've been doing my best not to give away my power. losing my cool or letting people manipulate me into doing stuff for them out of some weird sense of obligation or guilt. When your career is your love sometimes you feel you have to do shit you really don't have to do. I just don't have time or energy to do those types of things anymore. Los Angeles really uses you that way especially if you are working in "the industry". Lots of my peers are losing their jobs and going through mad depression. But I've experienced what they are just now experiencing for too long. So maybe I should consider myself lucky to be further along the self aware path.I've sat beneath that Bodhi tree for a decade now and owning that the path to enlightenment comes from within, not without...owning is way different than knowing.

As of right now all my money has gone into rebuilding my engine (which still leaks BTW) and this trip as well as my overhead back at home and I don't have enough cash to pay for gas to get home. But I have faith the universe will conspire to take care of all that. But my earthly flesh makes me worry a little. But doing my best to shake that shit.

I'm merging into a leadership role even in my role as an apprentice. since I'm the Creative Director of the studio the other apprentices come to me for guidance and inspiration. My brutha and owner of the shop is looking to me as well to pick up slack since I have experience. I've always just wanted to be a soldier but in my mid thirties I guess I have to own that I have more to give than a few spears thrown. I like it and hate it but overall its very fullfilling and rewarding and I can feel my growth effect others.

My last couple of drawing sessions and tattoo sessions on grapefruits sucked big whale dick. Walked away frustrated as all hell. Was having a good run but tried new needles and it looked like shit and I'm a little discouraged.

I've always seem to take the path less traveled and I'm just looking for a little oasis to take a break. been ten years since I've had any kind of financial pay off in my path and Sun Tzu always said that long campaigns can kill the motivation and exhaust resources. I need a short campaign with a payoff to fuel the fires of the longer ones but alas I can't seem to find such things.

But I have no choice but to keep moving. after all the only other option is to lay down and die and right now thats just unacceptable.

The holiday was interesting. Went to visit my Ma in Phoenix. My sister lives there as well and she use to work for Country Wide and Indy Mac so needless to say our outlooks on the economic situation of our country lead her to blow up on me like never before. Brothers and Sisters have differences but we have major fundamental differences about whats important and personal accountability for our actions.

My Ma has belonged to a group for 23 years that believes in physical immortality. They use to be called The Eternal Flame now they are called The People Unlimited. I haven't gone to one of their meetins since I was 13, 23 years ago when she first joined. So I decided to go with a new perspective. It was very interesting but naive at the same time. but it makes my Ma happy so I try to tread lightely. Everyone has their thang that makes them happy so I do my best to not insult anyone with my personal views. I have pretty extreme ways of looking at this life, so much in fact that people who consider themselevs immortal don't get me...weird and funny at the same time.

But the leaders of the group talked to me because my Ma is the poster child of immortality for thier group. At 70 shes looks amazing. lost 25 pounds in the last years and she looks 20 years younger. So now they want to have private council with me for whatever reason. ofcourse Im sure they want to convert me, but I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member. lol

So yeah, this trip, I tell ya. its been a good one for me. Even in the bad. but today I woke up angry and just by typing this has helped me shake it a little.

thanks for reading. will share more soon.