Most Horrible Thought in the World.

The Photoshop sham that is my headshot?

I just had a callback for the commercial I was "scouted" for. In my last post, I described being scouted for the role I was apparently born to play.

The role was a frumpy Chinese waitress with lots of pimples.

And it's been a funny story and all, but I can't help but think from people's reactions (veering more on the "Well that's Hollywood for you" rather than "What! You are gorgeous! You aren't frumpy and ugly Kristina!") that maybe I am a really really really ugly and horrible looking human being.

I mean, I was able to laugh it off AT FIRST, but I'm feeling from people's reactions, and this whole experience with these commercial auditions, coupled with enough bad awkward girl memories to fill a lifetime--- that maybe I really am that ugly looking person and have yet to embrace it.

And here I thought I was hot all these years. Here I had thought that I had a decent rack, nice body and a great smile. Was I wrong? Am I an ugly person?

As I drove back from the callback and looked at my reflection in the rearview mirror, I had the most horrible thought in the world.

This is the most horrible thought in the world...

"I am so ugly. I do not deserve to be loved."

Then one by one. I got flooded with more terrible thoughts and horrible memories. Maybe my mother was right when she told me as a kid that I should be on the radio, not TV. (She's long since taken that statement back, btw, and is fully supportive of my career.) Maybe I will die alone and unloved. Maybe I'll never be in a relationship again. Maybe my true calling is as the cat lady persona I keep mocking ironically. Maybe I should change careers and work in a dark room, alone, where nobody would have to look at me. Ever.

Because I am so hideously homely.

It's such a horrible feeling to look at yourself and feel like you can't be loved. Because everybody deserves love.

EVERYBODY. The frumpy and the pimply included. Do you hear me!? We all deserve love!!!

I shook myself out of this funk pretty quickly when I realized that there will always be someone who loves me.

"Hey! There's someone who no matter what, will cheerish and adore me!"

And that someone doesn't care if I have a frumpy day! Or get a pimple!

I smiled to myself in the mirror, that old familiar smile when I realized that someone in life does love me.

Who will always love me for who I am do you ask?

Gross and creepy old white men with large collections of Samurai swords, with a sizable Asian fetish, who jerk off to Asian porn and go on sex tour trips to Asia!

They will always find me beautiful and love me!

Yay for them! They will always love me. No matter how frumpy or pimply I get.

Come and get me fellas! Here I am!