Wrapped

The final shot was done, a splatter of blood on a wall, and then a pop of a champagne cork and some warm fizz in a plastic cup with the remaining crew and actress. I added a milk chocolate magnum each into the party mix and then we took photographs of each other. Except I managed not to take any because I had stopped thinking. in fact I had mostly stopped thinking at four AM that morning when I finally got to bed after the previous day's shoot.The glamour of showbiz knows no bounds and as each of my actors wrapped I managed to grunt fair well as I tried to get the next shot underway. I think long feature shoots are probably more emotional affairs as everyone has had a chance to get to know each other outside of their characters and jobs. On the short all that matters is trying to get the next shot before time and money runs out.A non-commercial form is financed purely out of the back of one's wallet and at each dip in, usually for creative reasons like a quick fifty quid's worth of sandwiches and drinks for the crew and actors, one wonders whether the expense is worth it, especially after twelve hours on one's feet and only half the schedule covered and the lurking suspicion that nothing makes sense.However, I am informed that the film is comparable to Close Encounters of The Third Kind, and it is also comparable to Glen or Glenda. In fact you can compare it to a drawer full of razor blades and slugs. There are few limits to the comparisons one can make and conclusions one can draw.This is the nature of life and if anything is similar to the nature of life, it might be Zombie Radio or not. There were theories among the crew that my life story was unveiled by my tale of zombies, alien abductions and Beach Huts but then they forgot what they were talking about after the catering van arrived with bacon butties all round.And so the excitement of the wrap party fades into the distance as I contemplate the washing of my underwear, which I have not had time to change for four weeks. I expect my social life to improve immensely now. And with my last five pounds seventy five I intend to treat myself to a night out not having to speak to anyone while sitting in the front row of a comedy club daring Dorset's finest to make me laugh. I'll be their worst nightmare. What fun! As I always say, just because you're fat and English, it doesn't mean you have a sense of humour.Speaking of which, I have lost weight. My trousers are falling down. So please throw a coin into the hat to enable me to buy another belt. And if you exceed the price of a belt remember that you will be feeding bigger and brighter and badder films in the future. After the release of Joggers and Zombie Radio on the internet or better, I am sure that I will move onto amazingly big budget projects. Or at least one's that actually can afford a chair for me to sit in while directing. This is the only way to avoid me falling over fences onto my back or sand-dunes onto my face. I can still taste the grit in my teeth and I have a lump on my hand the size of a Bournemouth Crab.One thing that does haunt me during this process is how old and decrepit I look in the photos people took of me. Inside my head I am a youthful energetic stud babe magnet model actress whatever puller gracefully leaping around creating great cinematic events, but the pictures show a wizened old replica of my granddad lumbering around tripping over and bumping into light stands. I should be sat on a sofa with my ever youthful trophy bride of thirty years watching Countdown rather than making a drastic career change from desk jockey TV script writer to Hong Kong's answer to Martin Scorsese, of whom I was compared to by somebody or other when they saw my baseball cap. Or was it that they thought I was as old as Scorsese, who I am sure is older than me though I fear otherwise. He had the career I should have had. Never mind, I am funnier than him and still think my best is ahead of me, even if it is only in comparison to my past.And so we now proceed to the edit, which I understand is to be assisted by a Cuban as all movie edits should be.