Caught in the Middle

Well...this will be my second morning in Long Gang, Shenzhen.  It's more than an hr away from the Shenzhen airport.  I'm here because the cast of "42nd st" is in the middle of their tech rehearsals and they are also going to have 2 rehearsal performances, one on the 21st and one on the 22nd.  I arrived on the 15th in order to make it to their press conference at the Long Gang Cultural Center.  After the press conference a camera crew that I know from "MY SHOW" came to shoot my preparations for the show. 

I have to admit, I wasn't too happy after the first day of "rehearsals" because it didn't seem like I was going to be doing much for the show.  The last 2 days that I was in Shanghai, I had been taking tap classes in order to prepare for the rehearsals...but, suddenly I was told that I was going to be put into numbers with as little dance as possible.  From the first day, it appeared that I was just going to be put into the show because they "had" to put me in...for promotional reasons... And, I completely understand that they have been in rehearsals for 1 month now..and putting me in means that they are going to have to make changes with the blocking and the number of dancers, etc.  I was already prepared to accept that I was going to be one of the Ensemble members and not a lead role...unfortunately, there was a little bit of a communication problem when I joined the show.  I left "My Show" because I felt that I'd need to put all of my time and effort into "42nd St".  I wanted a chance to show my talents....and judging from the first day, I knew that there would be no way for me to show that. 

I quickly talked to the people in charge of the show to let them know how I felt.  I know that there is limited time before opening and I just wanted to make sure they knew right away.  Yesterday, I spent a full day at the hotel making phone calls...and waiting to see what the resolution would be.  The thing is, in this scenario, everyone will be hurt if it's not done in the right way.  For "42nd St", if the Chinese public sees that my part is too minor, they will be upset with them for not giving me a bigger part.  For "My Show", they will also be upset because I am supposed to represent them...I left my spot in the competition to commit myself to them.  And of course, for me, I will lose face because I'm representing "My Show" and just because...I will! 

So, now, they are inviting a special tap teacher to train me during the next few days, while they are in rehearsals.  The "42nd St" team is actually quite busy with rehearsals so they need to invite someone to come especially for me.  They told me that I will be in the opening number...and then, depending on how fast I pick up things, they will see how much they could put me in.  Tap is definitely, not my strongest form of dance...but, I am a very hard worker and I'm determined to let them know that I am much more talented than they think.  I just wanted a chance....and I just wanted some training..I really don't have to be in the show...this is just an experience for me..and if they give me the full experience...then I will be happy even without being in the actual show.  In fact, in my opinion, I think they should just train me in one number so that I can perform that one number for "My Show".  Anyways....we'll see what happens from here.  I think things are still very unclear...and until I know what is going to happen..I won't be able to fully relax and enjoy......

Don't get me wrong, the people from "42nd St" have been very concerned about my feelings...and I am very thankful to them for listening to my opinion on things.  And I just feel so caught in the middle...because I fully understand the situation I have put them in...and I don't want to mess up the flow of their already made musical...and at the same time...this will really affect my own career.....all I can do is pray....and wait....I just fear that because of the way I have entered into their show...everyone will hate me!  Today I had a very lonely breakfast....and it takes me so long to make friends because I'm too shy.  It's been a long time since I've been amongst a group of English speakers....for some reason it seems so different from making Chinese friends.  They have all been together for a month now...so it will be even harder for me to get to know people....I'm very nervous....some people may find it exciting to meet new people...but, I usually fear it....prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" / 

這是我來到深圳龍崗的第二個早上，我們是在離深圳機一小時左右的龍崗，我來這裡是因為"42街"在這兒排練，同時他們將會在21日和22日二天在這兒有二天的總彩排。我是15日趕來參加他們在龍崗會展中心舉行的記者招待會，[我行我Show]還特別派了攝制組跟我，拍攝我進入“42街”的準備工作…

我一定得承認，第一天參加他們的排練，我並不是感到很愉快，因為我不覺得我真的會在 “42街”裡有什麼作為，其實為了要加入他們的排練，我在上海已經跳了二天的“踢躂舞”，但是，他們現在告訴我，為了宣傳他們不得不把我加在節目裡面，所以他們想讓我意思意思就跳那麼二下…

我當然非常清楚，他們已經排練了一個月的時間，我這個時候加入，對他們來說是有一定的難度，我知道我當然不可能是主角，最多不過是其中一個群舞…

然而對我的加入，他們製作和宣傳之間並沒有溝通得很好….當時我覺得我須要把所有的時間和精力放在“42街”的排練上，我希望能夠有一個表現我的才能的機會，所以進了十強之後就離開了[我行我Show]，但是這第一天的排練讓我非常失望，我不認為我會有任何機會去展現自已….

離開九月五日首演已經沒有多少時間了，所以我必須馬上把我的感受告訴 “42街”的負責人….結果昨天整整一天我都把自已關在我們下塌的酒店房間打電話，希望能夠找到一個很好的方法去處理這件事，不然對那一方面都沒好處的。對於[42街]來說，中國媒体看到他們只是讓我跑龍套一定會很失望，當然對[我行我Show]來說會更感到不高興，因為我是代表他們的…

 [42街]正進入最後沖擊的彩排階段，現在他們能做的是，為我請了一位“踢躂舞”的專家，明天從北京飛來，在以後那幾天當他們在彩排時，那專家就會幫我惡補，他們還是堅持要讓我參加九月五日的首演，當然完全得看我這一段時間能學到多少，他們才能決定我倒底可以表演什麼…

  “踢躂舞”絕對不是我的強項，但是我是一個非常努力的演員，我一定要他們知道我比他們想像之中更有才能…我須要的是機會…我更須要有好的指導，其實我倒並不真的在乎我是否能參加九月五日的首演…就算我沒能參加這次的表演，對我來說，這已經是一個很好的經驗，…

如果能讓我來決定，我寧可他們只幫我排其中一場舞，我可以帶[42街]舞群，在[我行我Show]總決賽]時表演這個節目…

好吧，誰也不知道會發生什麼，只有明確了該怎麼做，我才能放鬆下來，享受這學習的過程...

  千萬別誤會了，[42街]的人實際上是非常關心我的感受，我同時也非常感激他們能耐性子聽我的意見，我只是被夾在中間…其實我很能理解，因為我而讓他們照成的困擾，我不想因為我，會把他們已經排好的音樂舞蹈給弄亂了…這樣做也會影響到我的事業….

  我現在只能祈禱…只能默默等待…我想他們都會恨我這樣搞亂他們的節目…

  今天一大早，我很孤獨地吃頓早餐….因為我害羞慢熱的個性，本來就已經很難交到朋友…已經有很長一段時間我沒有和說英語的人接觸了，不知道為什麼我老覺得和中國人交朋友不一樣…似乎更不容易交到朋友…我感覺很緊張…有些人特別興奮能認識新朋友…但是我…

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