what girls are made of

so in a previous post i very briefly mentioned SUGAR.

i also called sugar PURE EVIL.

no.  i won’t take it back.

i’ve thought a lot about how i would approach this blog post — more thought than i ever put into writing these things (usually it’s what i like to call written diarrhea. . . cuz i thought you needed that image in your mind just now).

anyhow, i realized that this would probably also become a post on body image, cuz let’s face it, the two are related and i am not afraid to talk about all the RETARDED SHIT that goes on in my head sometimes regarding my own body, and let me tell you, this business certainly isn’t the most sympathetic in regards to that, and I happen to be in it.

so a little background:  my family is chinese.  which means growing up, adults encourage you to eat A LOT OF FUCKING FOOD.  and then if you get fat, they all make fun of you.  and you can’t get offended.

that really didn’t apply to me personally because i was such a skinny freaking kid growing up that i developed a really nice positive relationship with food.  as in, i ate a LOT of it.  i took pride in my ability to eat so much for being so petite.  pound for pound i could probably destroy ALL of you in an eating contest.  i also had a lot of, erm, tummy issues growing up.  notice i say “tummy issues” now, when earlier i had no problem writing DIARRHEA in a metaphoric sense.  no matter, you get the idea.  we’ve ALL been there.  ahem.

in high school, i remember being called “skinny” a lot.  i feared that people would think i had an eating disorder after learning about them from teen magazines (they might as well send you a manual, i mean really).  so what did i do?  i binged.  i ate voraciously.  and with great vigor.  i bragged about how much i could eat.  i was very lucky because at home my mom always cooked healthy, wholesome, balanced meals (thank you mom, you saved my life and future), but when not eating my mom’s cooking, it was BAD.  LOTS of BAD FOOD.  Pizza, doritos, cheetos, pasta, white bread, twix, fries, and COCA COLA.  good god i loved coca cola.  BUT — i was also in dance, cheerleading, diving, and an overall active young person, so of course — i stayed small.

fast forward to post college, move to LA.  now the metabolism is slowing, now the physical activity is totally irregular or at some points nonexistent.  now my mom isn’t cooking for me anymore.  now i’m starting to notice…

i can’t just eat whatever the fuck i want anymore.

this is when things start to get screwy.

(i’m going to do my very best to explain my personal experience, because I cannot speak for anyone else, nor am I certified to give anyone health advice.  This is just MY experience and I’m going to be very honest with you.  I have body image issues just like anyone else.  I’ve worked really hard to temper an insane way of looking at my body and i like how i look — most of the time.  i still fight the very ugly dark side that creeps in and tells me i’m not good enough.  it happens.  reversing those thoughts require CONSISTENT and CONSTANT practice.  this is not something that just goes away.  i’ve learned that i have to WORK at it and i work HARD for it.)

so here i was, new to LA, new to an industry where appearance is everything, and new to my changing body chemistry.  this was a terrible combination.  i became obsessed, but i didn’t know how to regulate myself.  i thought i was eating pretty healthy, but not really.  i think at that point i had managed to just cut out the daily coca cola.  but, i still had a habit of binging every time i ate.  i didn’t know how to eat until i was satisfied.  i had to eat until i was uncomfortably full.  i would feel like crap and get depressed.  i would hate on myself and how i looked.  my skin would break out.  i would feel insecure at auditions.  i would isolate myself socially.  i would avoid being photographed.  i would go through some periods of being “good” and then fuck it all up.  i would go up and down just like all the bitches in gossip rags.  and if you’re wondering, that whole camera adds a few pounds thing?  IT’S TRUE.  unless your “type” calls for it, in this town you work less if your body fat percentage gets even in the higher “normal” range.  what a fucking shit conundrum.

but why the fuck couldn’t i control myself?????  that was the question.  my rational mind KNEW i was eating unhealthy, but i couldn’t seem to stop it.  it’s like being possessed.  ENTER the role of sugar, as PURE EVIL.

see, the turning point in my health was when a Chinese holistic doctor did this funky test on me and told me to basically stop eating everything i ate a lot of.  no more wheat, no caffeine, no red meat, no white rice, no processed foods.  avoid certain fruits like bananas, oranges, pineapple, and even certain veggies that were always my go-to veggies like spinach and broccoli*.  and that’s just a few things on the list.  he basically told me that my body was super toxic.  at the time i was suffering from the worst allergies of my life, and generally feeling SHITTAY all around.  so i decided to be REALLY good.  i followed the restrictions stringently for 3 months.  by the end of the 3 months i felt like a completely new person.  my allergies were much milder, i had more energy, my skin was luminous, and i felt GREAT.

over the next two years i experimented with items on the not-to-eat list to see where my limits were, and through this process i began to understand why he told me to stop about 80% of my forbidden food.  SUGAR.  most of that list was essentially sugar guised as something seemingly benign and harmless, like a baguette.  or orange juice — foods that convert to sugar quickly in our bodies.

the truth is:  I WAS A FULL FLEDGED SUGAR ADDICT IN DISGUISE.  here i am, a grown adult, solely responsible for my own health and happiness, and i had no idea that every time i put some kind of simple carb or high sugar fruit in my mouthhole that i triggered an old sugar addiction, which usually lead me to want MORE sugar, or hell, ANYTHING.  whatever was in front of me until it felt like my stomach would burst.  then i would hate myself.

rinse and repeat.

through this bouncing back and forth, i became conscious that in reality, i had developed this addiction myself.

SO, i decided i would eliminate it myself.

here is where you would think i’d be almost in the clear, but no… i was still being a sketchy lil bitch.  because here is where i discovered the CLEANSE.  oh yeah.  LA is the mecca of manic quick fixes — every detox and cleanse imaginable is COMPLETELY acceptable and ENCOURAGED.  fuck yeah, master cleanse, bring it on biatch!  being on my “health kick,” you betcha i did that cleanse and i felt like a million bucks afterward.  i also got to a desirable body fat percentage FAST .  which meant master cleanse = smack.  i do believe that the master cleanse is beneficial when done properly**, but let me be clear that i also believe it is easy to ABUSE the master cleanse for a quick fix.  and that is BAD.  but why?  i got great results AND i felt great.  i booked a ton of work.  double the pleasure.  the problem was, the cleanse is SO effective that it gave me an excuse to revert to my old habits.  to fall off the wagon per se.  but reverting to bad habits meant i would always require the cleanse to get BACK to the happy place.  and in between, i would just keep fucking it all up and feeling like shit.  it’s the whole yo-yo metaphor, or a pendulum, and the problem with that is when you let yourself swing, you’re tempting the inevitable hard-swing right back to that BAD place, where you end up struggling harder and harder to get back to the other side.  it’s a terrible cycle.

so i decided I’VE FUCKING HAD IT!!!!  i’m so sick of being stuck in the same stupid pattern that i put myself in!  i want to be strong, clean, and healthy.  and after some really HARD WORK, i feel i finally have it down.  i introduced FUN exercise by doing indoor rock climbing 2x a week for a month and watched my body transform right before my eyes.  i do daily core exercise at home on my exercise ball.  i go to the ymca every week.  i walk as much as i can to places i used to drive to.  i eat healthier than ever before, and i’m BETTER at eating.  i learned HOW my body burns food for ENERGY and i eat to maximize my metabolism (thank u google search).

how?  i always eat breakfast and AVOID SUGAR LIKE THE PLAGUE.  i drink more water and avoid too much salt.  i eat raw food on the regular.  i snack on healthy raw foods between meals to keep the blood sugar from dropping.  i eat good fats, like avocado, coconut, nuts.  i eat brown rice or quinoa for complex carbs and avoid white, starchy food.  i REFUSE to eat nasty processed packaged foods that are chock FULL of chemicals and bad oils, and — this has been a godsend for my skin — i have only had maybe two alcoholic beverages TOTAL in the last three months.

and it feels amazing.  i don’t feel at the mercy of some force beyond my control anymore, i don’t have uncontrollable urges to stuff my face because my blood sugar is nice and balanced ALL DAY LONG.  i have more energy — REAL ENERGY.  i hardly ever get sick anymore, my allergies are SO mild, and i just FEEL better.  all the time.  and I am the one creating this reality.

but don’t get me wrong, when you’re just starting, it can get ugly sometimes.  and sometimes when your body is eliminating toxins you can get sick.  REAL sick.  and your brain will try to trick you back into your old habits.  but you gotta get through to the other side and i promise it gets easier.

the only thing that was keeping me from achieving my goals was my old self.  this demon that i carried for a very long time, that i had always carried alone.

cuz skinny girls aren’t allowed to complain about their bodies.

i wonder what kind of repercussions there will be to writing a blog post like this, but i refuse to deny that these things affect me and i have to come clean also for my own health and progress.  cuz i’m human too.  and i can go to a dark place just as easily as any other person.  this is not just about weight people.***  this is about physical AND mental health.  i am healthier than i have ever been in both regards.

and i thought that maybe if i shared my experience — my mania — that maybe it can help someone else — anyone else — to learn how to become AWARE of his/her own body’s TRUE needs.  because i know that people out there are STRUGGLING and it’s NOT YOUR FAULT that sugar (and any refined or processed food) IS FUCKING EVIL.  it took me a long ass time to get here and i work on it day to day.  let me tell you, there’s nothing like a french fry to FUCK SHIT UP and make me feel outta control sometimes, but i can’t always beat myself up.  and it’s not the french fry either.  it’s ME.  and now that i know who i am, and who i want to become, no french fry will ever take that away from me.

i’m taking control of my life and i’m MAKING myself who i KNOW i can be.  in ALL aspects of my life.

and SO CAN YOU.

this may just be a goddamn blog, the voice of just one person, some random, crazy biatch with a lotta weird shit going on, but i say with utmost sincerity that I BELIEVE IN YOU.  i really do.

all you gotta do is do.

so do do.

get it?  (couldn’t help myself)

xoxoxxooxxxoxooxooo

*sure broccoli and spinach are awesome, but not if that’s the only two veggies you eat.  my ah-ha moment came when i was grocery shopping with my forbidden food list and realized i ate the same shit all the time.  diversifying your fresh food intake means giving yourself a more balanced, natural source of vitamins and minerals, see?

**i do thank the master cleanse for showing me what it actually felt like to be CLEAN (gave me something to strive for).  it also tests your psychological urges to eat — you realize where all your urges come from and i promise it ain’t always hunger.  i’m not surprised that many religions practice fasting for spiritual cleansing.  wow.  after a cleanse you feel like a fucking god (once the detox period is over).  but until you change your lifestyle, doing a cleanse is really just a temporary fix.

***compared to when i was using the cleanse to “reset,” i am now about 10 lbs heavier but fitting the same clothes (and better) because i gained muscle mass, which has helped me to lean up in a healthier, more natural, and more sustainable way.