Ignorance is Bliss

It's probably no secret by now that I like music that is loud, fast, energetic, hyperbolic (at least musically), and abrasive. I like bands with two guitars and no keyboards.

Bands who have t-shirts proclaiming themselves "Louder than God and Better than F@#$ing." (The Wildhearts)

I've tried for years to understand why I like it so much.

Maybe its because my father was a big fan of Neil Diamond, James Taylor, and the Moody Blues.

Yes, it did indeed suck.

Grunge annoyed me. It was the Loser Invasion: "I can't play guitar, but that's because playing guitar well isn't cool..."

Neither was wearing shorts, long johns and combat boots, you pud.

Oh, and let me qualify my criteria for music I find acceptable, and in so doing integrate an otherwise digressive topic. I like music made by people, not machines.

Nine Inch Nails? Yawn.

Metallica's Master of Puppets gives me a10 inch nail, even at my age.I resent any machine used to make 'music', simply because I prefer the sound of humans.I enjoy music that requires skilland effort to produce in real-time.I especially prefer the sound of humans making music that sounds humanly impossible, like early Metallica.

Synthesizers always seemed like cheating. Same with drum machines. Who needs rudiments when you have buttons?People make music. Machines can't. They can play music, but they can't make it.

Drum machines can't swing.

Then again, neither can Hong Kongers.But I am not wholly enamored of human musical endeavor.

While the 1980s re-set the bar for guitar virtuosity, it also was the unfortunate age of unnecessary vocal gymnastics and high note screeching that required those tight pants.

The only good use I've ever thought karaoke could be put to was removing irritating vocals from musically interesting songs. There's a

lotof music in my CD collection that would benefit from such treatment.Why is this important?

It's not, but it's my blog, so shut the f#$% up and read on...

Guitar Hero bothers me. It seems creepily artificial and weird.

It's like having a game calledPorn Hero where you use a fake d*ck. What's thepoint ?

I played Guitar Hero once.

Because I was trapped in a house with kids and wasn't allowed to use the F word.

It was f@#$ing stupid. And not because I couldn't play the song. I could play it on a realguitar. Just not on that silly little plastic piece of sh*t that gets called a controller.

Does that make me a guitar non-hero, or anti-hero?

You know what I think would be great? Guitarkaraoke.

Where you have to play a real guitar in time with a backing track and vocals.

Just like a realguitar player.

Wow, that's amazing...

Thatwould be a worthwhile display of skill and effort.

Maybe then some kid could drop out of school and go pro just like that useless f@#$wipe who abandoned his education to become a professional Guitar Hero player.

[old man voice] In my day, we had professional guitarplayers who were our heroes.

With real d*cks.

So guitar karaoke could be the next big thing, and it doesn't have to stop there. Maybe we can get drum karaoke and bass karaoke too (f@#$ keyboard karaoke, that's called 'Drunken Christmas Eve')

This way, when people 'go pro' it means they actually play as a group of human f@#$ing beings just like they have for the last 50 G*ddamn years...

Sorry, that got away from me a little right there at the end.

As I was saying, I like music that borders on the histrionic.

Or dives in head first.

Come to think of it, I like movies that are the same way. I enjoy melodrama in large steaming piles (like 1980s Andy Lau 'rascal kid' movies).

I like music that forces people to have a response to it.During the hellish nightmare that was the New Age craze, more than one person insisted I listen to George Winston, and would then proceed totalk the entire time the CD was playing. Which was good, because I could hear less of George's piano dawdling/diddling, and because it proved that all that New Age sh*t was sonic wallpaper at best.

Most people respond negatively to music that I like, but at least they respond.

Besides, 90% of my music listening is done with headphones, so its not like I'm bothering people.

Unlike my neighbor, who tries to turn his flat into the Hong Kong Coliseum (at least volume-wise) with his Cantopop CDs.

But I am still not really sure why I like the kind of music that I do. I just know that I do. It's probably my personality.

I have a viciously short attention span, I like the sound loud guitars make, and I enjoy what might be called the cultural 'in jokes' of the heavy metal genre.

What are those?

Well, let's see...

First up is people who are terrified of people with tattoos. They always say it will frighten kids, but kids love them.

Because kids get the joke and aren't unbearable tight-asses like Mommy and Daddy.

Then there's the people who are afraid of their kids worshiping Satan.

As if the Lord of Darkness would be summoned to a basement in Poughkeepsie. Wake the f#$% up.

Or the people who think that Marilyn Manson, Ozzy Osbourne (the 80s version, not the current one) , or Alice Cooper actually didall those things that their urban legends would have us believe.

Lemmy Kilminster, lead singer of Motorhead, a band whose album covers frightened my father, once claimed "If Motorhead moved next door to you, your lawn would die."

He also reads P.G. Wodehouse on the tour bus.

See what I mean?

Heavy metal functions in that space, where being in on the joke is kind of a necessity. There's really nothing to be afraid of, unless you have no sense of humor.

And if you don't get the joke, it only makes the joke (and you) funnier.

If you do get the joke, you get a ticket to the Funhouse.

This kind of knowing exaggeration is a big part of the live setting. If you look closely at those 20 Marshall amplifiers on the stage, you'll see that only one of them is actually on. The rest are just there to look cool and scary. And they do!

David Lee Roth knew he looked ridiculous in those outfits, and that the Van Halen stage show circa 1984 was bombastic, overblown and juvenile.

But guess what? It was fun. And it was fun not only in spite of, but because we knew it was dumb. We didn't care.

It was a glorious display of excess and hyperbole and indulgence, and no one forced you to be a part of it. It was a huge party that you paid to get into, and there were some amazingparties.

Say what you will about the 80s, but back then for $12.50 you got two hours worth of 130db sound, smoke, gigantic light shows, lasers, pyrotechnics, drum solos, guitar solos, obscene inflatables, girls flashing the band, and if you were close enough to the stage and lucky, a guitar pick or drum stick. Maybe even the occasional dousing of beer, Jack Daniel's, or fake blood from the stage.

That's value for money. And it wasentertaining.

All this has a point, I swear. And here it is.

One of the bands I find myself listening to a lot lately is Sex Machineguns. They're a Japanese heavy metal band who wanted to be thought of as more radical and aggressive than the Sex Pistols.

Hence the name, which teeters precipitously on the razor's edge between brilliant and stupid.

No wonder my feet always hurt.

They succeed. They are loud, brash, fast, and technically capable. But I have no idea what they're singing about.

One of the things I really like about them, and any other non-English speaking band I listen to (like Shakalabbits, or Dear Jane), is that I can't respond to the lyrics because I don't understand them.

I hear the vocals as a melody, or as just another instrument. And I like it. I appreciate the bands on a solely musical basis because of it.

In a lot of ways, that's a good thing. Because finding out what they're saying is often a letdown.

Now, I should say in Sex Machineguns' defense that they knowingly write silly lyrics. They write songs about food, for God's sake.

One of my favorite songs is called "High Speed Samurai."

Right off the bat, we're not dealing with lyrical visionaries, but so what?

Someone once asked Judas Priest vocalist Rob Halford why his lyrics were so angry, and he responded  "We've got tens of thousands of watts of amplifiers and a huge drum kit. It wouldn't fit to have me in front of all that, singing about daisies..."

Besides, what I love about "High Speed Samurai" is the music, the guitar tones, the tempo, the chord changes. It conveys what I imagine it would be like to tear-@ss around Tokyo on a motorcycle.

It sounds like anime looks.

I love the way the song sounds at the start of the first verse.

Here's the studio version: I found the romaji of the lyrics: Kore kara hajimaru daijiken,

mukashi mukashi no monogatari Totemo anata ni aitakute,

yoru ni tobi dashite

Nanda ka tottemo munasawagi,

doushite dou ni mo tomaranai Anata no moto he to isogu kedo,

hadashi no mama de

OH- kore wa ACCIDENT,

OH- totemo DANGEROUS

Konna basho de machi fuse, dakara aitsura, nan na no sa Nani yatsu, nani yatsu

Nagaya no mado ni nage komareta, tegami no naka ni wa eichi ga Nani yara ayashii koibumi wa, ban no kaori ga shita

Kusaki mo nemuru ushimitsudoki, jinja no keidai de matteru to Sonna jikan ni nani goto ka, nemuru koto mo dekizu

OH- okimari PATTERN, OH- yappa DANGEROUS

Modoru wake ni wa ikanai yo, dakara omaera, nan na no sa Chanbara, chanbara

MISSILE yori mo, (MISSILE yori mo) ROCKET yori mo, (ROCKET yori mo) Hayai, (hayai), hayai, (hayai), ore no yaiba wo kurae MISSILE yori mo, (MISSILE yori mo) ROCKET yori mo, (ROCKET yori mo) Hayaku, (hayaku), hayaku, (hayaku), anata wo tasuke dasu

Yoooshi, COOL ni kiri kakatte ikimashou Bushi wa kuwanedo takayouji Masa ni idaten, hikaru no yaiba Temeera zenin, tatakkiru!

OH- seigi no shouri, OH- namida de nijimu

Anata tsuyoku dakishime, mitsume au hitomi to hitomi LOVE SCENE, LOVE SCENE, LOVE SCENE, LOVE

MISSILE yori mo, (MISSILE yori mo) ROCKET yori mo, (ROCKET yori mo) Hayaku, (hayaku), hayaku, (hayaku), anata wo MISSILE yori mo, (MISSILE yori mo) ROCKET yori mo, (ROCKET yori mo) Hayaku, (hayaku), hayaku, (hayaku), anata wo MISSILE yori mo, (MISSILE yori mo) ROCKET yori mo, (ROCKET yori mo) Hayaku, (hayaku), hayaku, (hayaku), anata wo MISSILE yori mo, (MISSILE yori mo) ROCKET yori mo, (ROCKET yori mo) Tsuyoku, tsuyoku, tsuyoku, tsuyokuAnata wo dakishimeruI still had no idea what the missile or rocket was referring to.

I had my ideas, given the 'jock-ularly' allegorical nature of heavy metal lyrics like "swallow my pride" (where it is used in the imperative rather than self-directed), but I hoped for better.Well, curiosity got the better of me, and I am still unsure if I am happy or unhappy.

This is what he is singing: It begins after this, a serious event; a tale of long long ago

I really want to see you, so I rushed out into the night

For some reason I'm filled with a bad feeling, and there's nothing I can do to stop it

I hurry to where you are, even though I'm barefoot

Oh, this is an accident; Oh, it's very dangerous

Ambushing me in this sort of a place; What are they?

What is he? What is he?

The ornate hairpin that was thrown out of the row house, inside of a letter

For some reason, this suspicious love letter smells of a trap

Waiting at the shrine grounds at midnight, when even the plants sleep

At that time of night, there are some things that can't sleep

Oh, it's the same old pattern; Oh, it's dangerous after all

I don't set out with no intent to return, so what's with you guys?

Chanbara, Chanbara

Eat my blade that's faster, faster, faster, faster

Than a missile, than a missile

Than a rocket, than a rocket

I'll come to save you faster, faster, faster, faster

Than a missile, than a missile

Than a rocket, than a rocket

Alright, I'm going to wield my sword coolly

Samurai use toothpicks even when they don't have anything to eat. I surely am a swift-running heavenly warrior, with a sword of light

All of you guys, I'm going to cut you down!

Oh, a victory for justice; Oh, blurred with tears

I hold you tight, and we gaze into each others eyes

Love scene, love scene, love scene, love

I'll come to you faster, faster, faster, faster

Than a missile, than a missile

Than a rocket, than a rocket

I'll come to you faster, faster, faster, faster

Than a missile, than a missile

Than a rocket, than a rocket

I'll come to you faster, faster, faster, faster

Than a missile, than a missile

Than a rocket, than a rocket

I'll hold you

Tighter, tighter, tighter, tighter

Than a missile, than a missile

Than a rocket, than a rocketSilly? Of course it is. Puerile? Perhaps.

But so what?

It's not much of a stretch to imagine this story as A Moment of Romance 4 with Andy Lau and Wu Chien Lien (I miss her).

Not to mention that none of Andy Lau's movies have a guitar solo!

I'm not concerned with the banality of the lyrics. I'm interested in their delivery, with the mood they evoke. I like it. It makes me very glad I found it.

I really don't give a flying f@#$ what he says in this song or any of the other ones.

I just want to be a part of this glorious (and knowing) buffoonery: Yes, its juvenile and silly and excessive. It's also f@#$ing great.

I just want to point out that it's especially nice that in Japan, these kids go crazy witheach other and not oneach other.I want to be in that room, where it's probably way too hot and way too loud (i.e. just loud enough) and I want to jump up and down and yell and scream and be deaf and dumb for two days afterward with a huge sh*t-eating grin on my face and a new tour shirt (black, of course).Try to get that with James f@#$ing Taylor.