Movie Review: Confucius/ 孔子

Floating Head of Chow...?This film was in the news recently because Avatarwas doing too well against it for China's liking. So they planned to pull the 2-D version of Avatar, freeing up screens forConfucius/孔子and allowing people to show their patriotism and righteousness.

Because a Chinese film doesn't need any special favors to compete with a Western one.

Even if it does.Confucius/孔子 needs all the help it can get.A lot of people have asked me what I thought about the film even before I saw it, and others said they were looking forward to my opinion so as to help them make the choice to see it or not.

In that vein, I say this:Let me spare you a lot of needless Confucian.I saw this Thursday night at Olympian City, on a good size screen and with a good seat, after a lovely (if small) dinner at Olympian's food court, which has lots of different kinds of food, none of it good. I settled into my seat (after, of course, paying the water bill) to enjoy the movie with a bucket of popcorn and a cough syrup digestif.

Confucius would approve, I think:  Re-enacting the denouement ofScarface.I know almost nothing of Confucius, save the odd schoolchild's joke - Confucius say woman who puts carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary -  and the recent online hoax/debate about his Korean lineage.

I assumed this would help me enjoyConfucius/孔子from a more objective place (as would the cough syrup), free as I would be from knowledge and/or prejudice.

I am certain it helped me with Red Cliff, a film Chow Yun Fat was supposed to be in, before he ended up in Dragonball: Evolution.Straining his eyes, in the far, far distance Chow Yun Fat can see

A Better Yesterday.I grant you, it's hard to make an epic blockbuster about a philosopher. There's not much drama in thinking.

There's no narrative tension in reflection and Zen-esque riddles.Intellect is hardlycompelling in a cinematic way.

It's difficult to portray academic diligence and meditation in an entertainingmanner.Intellectuals are not chick magnets.Don't ask how I know this, just teach me "How much for two times?" in Mandarin.

So the filmmakers had their work cut out for them. I mean, think about it.

A biopic about Aristotle or Plato would probably tear up the  gay film festival circuit, but in terms of blockbuster potential, there's not much there.

How can you make a movie about a man who sought peace instead of war, harmony instead of dissent, and righteousness over corruption?How else? Artistic license and revisionism! Will Confucius build the Ark in time? Watch and find out!It's hard to make a movie about real people seem interesting.

That's why you need to throw in pointless and trivial subplots whose main purpose is to get another face on the poster in order to get more @sses in the seats:"Just click your heels three times and say 'There's no place like the Kingdom of Lu!"But there is nevera need for histrionics and forced pathos. Sadly, that does nothing to stop the screenwriters from dropping it on us like seagullswith diarrhea.

Confucius faces so many travails and troubles you'd think this movie was made for America's Lifetime: Television for Women.

[Digression/Clarifier]Lifetime: Television for Women is acable channel, where female viewers are supposedly uplifted by aceaseless parade of stories about women getting raped, shot, imprisoned, beaten, set on fire and forced to work on a farm 40 hours a day. Frequently all in onemovie. Yeah, that's the kind of TV I want mydaughter to watch.

[End of Digression/Clarifier]

Confucius experiences more challenges, setbacks, betrayals and insults than anyone should bear. Of course, through it all, he maintains his sense of dignity, forbearance, and propriety.

Even when showing us what the musical duet scene in Red Cliff might have looked like if he were in it.

Unfortunately, this often makes him come across as cold, naive, or robotic. It would have been nice to see him snap, just once."Ive told them to keep that f@#$ing dog out of my yard for the last  motherf@#$ing time..."But C-Diddy (!) would never be so cruel, so mean, so... un-righteous.

What, you thought the China-approvedConfucius/ 孔子would miss opportunities to show the virtue and necessity of personal sacrifice and selflessness for the good of the nation and the People?

Of course not!

China's corrupt, feudal, non-socialist past is rife with opportunities to show forward-thinkers whose willingness to serve the People even at the cost of their own life should have been an inspiration then and is surely an inspiration now (or else).

F@#$kthose blue aliens (although they do stand heroically against Western Imperialism and its running dogs), Confucius/ 孔子has true-blue (thinking ahead-red?) socialists!

So in a sense, the wooden nature of the narrative fits in nicely with the hand-carved set-pieces made from Socialist Oak ( QuercusDidactifera). Drama comes off as stilted and forced in this setting, but at least its a comprehensivefailure.

Of course, It doesn't help when your lead actor speaks Mandarin so poorly that he has to be dubbed.

I don't mean to sh*t all over one of China's greatest heroes at all.

Chow Yun Fat deserves better.

So does Confucius.

Insulting these men is neither my intent nor my point.

Besides, Confucius/孔子does that enough for me.

It reduces one of history's great minds to a bad version of the White Eyebrow Priest and one of Hong Kong's iconic leading men to shame and well-earned castigation:This isn't in the movie. It's a candid shot of Chow Yun Fat in an interview about his post-John Woo career.Ang Lee could have probably made a good movie about Confucius.

I'm not setting up a joke, I really mean it.

Sadly, he didn't direct this film.Confucius/孔子 tarnishes both the legend and the history of its titular character, and it bothers me.

Much like Jesus would probably be disgusted by the institutions created in his name, I have a strong feeling that Confucius would be greatly offended by this film about him.

That's just a shame.He deserves better, and so do Chow Yun Fat and the rest of us.