Movie Review: Kung Fu Hip Hop 2/精舞門2

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The Gang of Film ventured to SARS Ground Zero yesterday, to the Amoy Gardens housing estate.**

Not out of any commemorative reflex, but to take part in another disastrous offense against humanity.

We went to see Kung Fu Hip Hop 2/精舞門2 at the Cine Art theater.

**We see movies so you don’t have to.

A sequel in name only, this film is a story about kids who dance. And do kung fu.**

And that’s all.

Well, there’s a romance, but it’s a Mainland film, so its all pretty allegorical.

Yes, this is a China film. So no tongues, no nastiness. Even the ‘bad’ guy in the film refuses to offer wine and a cigar to our hero, because “young people are not allowed.”

He is righteous, because even black cats catch mice and getting rich is glorious.

And f@#$ Taiwan.

Where was I?

Contrary to the listing, there were no English subtitles.

For that, I am grateful.

**It was also dubbed into Cantonese, which made me less grateful because

1) I’d prefer to see a film in its original language, and

2) I really didn’t want to know what they were saying.**

I think this review really will find its susetenance and pertinence not so much in the film itself as the things surrounding the film and my experience with it.

First, the theater actually had people in it. We expected to be by ourselves, but there actually tickets sold.

They were all sold to teenage girls (except for the Gang of Film, one of whom once sold teenage girls in Paraguay, but my lawyer assures me that I’ll never get caught if I don’t mention it to anyone).

The teenage girls should have been a clue, but the mystery was solved almost instantly anyway.

Apparently, one of the male leads is in a Taiwanese boy band.

I can’t say, since I know as much about Taiwanese boy bands as you know about compound radius fretboards.

Either way, I trust my colleagues in the Gang to have told the truth.

This film wasn’t worth lying about.

Whoever he is, he was dubbed into Cantonese by someone sounding like Eric Tsang in the midst of an asthma attack.

Add to that the the young man’s ‘acting’ technique; it consisted solely of looking to one side or another with a rueful expression; yes, he voguedhis way through this mess, all the while sounding like a deflating balloon.

Even when he hugged his girlfriend, his puppy-dog expression didn’t change. He didn’t seem all that happy about having a girlfriend.

It was probably the uber-chaste nature of it all.

But this little Taiwanese geek went over huge. His every appearance brought forth a gentle cascade of coos and sighing.

If and when he hugged his girlfriend, there were actual outbursts.

And here’s where it got interesting.

This gaggle of pre-teens were so amazingly polite that I felt bad running my foul mouth over the soundtrack.

Because no sooner would one of them make a sound than the rest would shushthe offender. It began during the trailer. So I did, on occasion, feel bad about hurling invective at the screen.

But I couldn’t help it.

After the credits, the very first thing you see is a bottle of Mountain Dew. There were so many product placements for it that I began to wonder if I’d see a portrait of Mao holding a can of it.

The opening dance sequence went on for 10 minutes. I wished there were exhaustive opening credits, because it would have made that ten minutes more bearable.

The acting, plot, cinematography and direction of this are quite enjoyably laughable. This is filmmaking in the same way that fan fiction is literature.

And call me a culture snob, American, or any other thing you want (because you should hear the things your mother calls me when we’re playing crotch hockey), but I think watching Chinese kids do anything vaguely ‘hip hop’ is excruciatingly funny.

I feel that way about white people too, for that matter.

But at least in the God-fearing USA of A, references to guns aren’t hypothetical, they’re all too real.

I’m not saying they shouldn’t do it. In fact, I want them to. because it’s f@#$ing hilarious from in here.

I’m also saying that the first Chinese rap artist to get shot to death will establish a little street cred. Until then, you ain’t hard.

Watching these kids trying to act hard cracks me up. Because its so shallow, so fake, and so ignorant that I almost can’t believe they’re serious.

In fairness, dumping on this movie is like beating a snake in a high jump contest. This film really isn’t made for me, and judging from my experience at Cine-Art, it is apparently connecting with its intended audience.

I’m sure I’d sh*t all over those Hollywood dancing-kids movies if I saw them too, and I’d also realize I’m way past the demographic.

So out of fairness if nothing else, I’ll have to say that Kung Fu Hip Hop 2/精舞門2 entertained me, and I had fun.

I doubt I’ll buy the DVD, but who knows?