Movie Review: Legend of the Fist – Return of Chen Zhen/精武風雲:陳真

Disclaimer: This film is not to be confused with the 1978 American documentaryLegend of the Fist, a chronicle of the pre-AIDS gay sex scene centered around The Mineshaft, a legendary gay S&M bar in New York City.

I held off seeing this film because I was afraid it would be another in the now-constant line of made-for-China movies starring Donnie Yen whose titles may be different but whose subtitles all may as well be “China up, hoes down.”

Let me clarify that point. I wasn’t actually afraid that the movie would be like that.

Iknewit would.

I was afraid it would work me into (another) frothing rage, and frankly, I didn’t really feel like bringing that on myself.

But recently, Marie Jost told me she was looking forward to another of my scathing reviews, and so this afternoon I wandered over to the Dynasty Theatre in Mongkok.

It’s name could well be the Donnie-sty since that’s where I’m going to see all of his movies from now on.

As it turns out, Legend of the Fist – Return of Chen Zhen/精武風雲:陳真didn’t infuriate me.

But not because it isn’t a teeth-gnashingly jingoistic propaganda film.

It is.

It does it so badly that I couldn’t really get very angry.

***Legend of the Fist – Return of Chen Zhen/精武風雲:陳真* is just a stupendously awful film, and I couldn’t stop laughing at it.**

This movie suckscomprehensively. The acting, editing, camera work, the CGI, the story, the ADR… itallsucks.

The film’s opening features airplanes that were apparently rendered by someone’s nephew’s computer.

In one scene, a woman is shot and screams. A man is shot, and he screams at the same pitch as the woman.

In fact, I think it was the same scream.

Legend of the Fist – Return of Chen Zhen/精武風雲:陳真is, unsurprisingly, more about Donnie Yen than anything else.

Never has one man tried so hard to make himself into a hero, an icon…

An actor.

A for effort, F for fail.

But as always, D for Donnie.

If they let Donnie Yen make a documentary about himself, it would probably be narrated by the guy that does the Monster Truck commercials.

Legend of the Fist – Return of Chen Zhen/精武風雲:陳真 is really all about Donnie.

And his balls.

Donnie’s not jumping; his testicles are lifting his body over the obstruction.****

Donnie’s testicles get top billing over everyone else in the cast. Except Donnie, of course.****

Donnie Yen’s testicles emit enough light to illuminate all of Shanghai. Forever .

*Donnie Yen isn’t tan. It’s just that everyone else on earth, especially the Japanese, pale in comparison.*********

Behold the awesome magnitude that is Donnie Yen’s right breast.

It is so powerful that it can be used to nurse the anti-Japanese fervor of 1.3 billion people.

Because it is Donnie Yen’s breast, only one is needed.

This movie sucked. I could go into all its political wrongness, crass revisionism, dishonesty and other moronic flaws, but frankly this turd isn’t worth it.

At least it didn’t infuriate me. And I did laugh at it a lot.

My only regret is that I didn’t manage the kind of review I would have gladly done for Marie and others who enjoy read my reviews because they enjoy the spleenery.