Movie Review: The Skeleton Road/怪談電影-屍骸之路

It’s a dead end .The Skeleton Road/怪談電影-屍骸之路 is another entry in the ‘paranormal investigation’ genre that uses cinemas to show you everything they can’t put on TV, like violence and nudity.

And laughably transparent fakery. Well, you can probably show that on TV. I guess it’s in the movies as a bonus.

These ‘true paranormal’ films are nothing but the most threadbare excuse to trot out footage of people killing animals, women’s pubic hair, and everything else you know you shouldn’t be watching.

The Skeleton Road/怪談電影-屍骸之路 is a sequel of sorts to 2009’s The Unbelievable. 

Both films star Master Szeto, a ‘geomancer’ or ‘spirit medium’ or whatever word you use to tart up the phrase ‘bullshit artist.’

The Chinachem: the mark of quality.

He can feel the energy of the dead. He can see ghosts.

He can go pound sand.

What is most unbelievable about these movies is how bad they are, and just how guilty I felt for watching such crass garbage.

And I’m me.

There is no narrative arc in this (fake) documentary, but there is a progression of sorts. I thought it was interesting, because the range of topics and the order in which they are presented tells you something about the audience.

The film opens with 2,002 dead babies.

No, really.

Then it gets more exploitative, shameless, and disgusting.

After the dead babies we get dead hookers.

Then dead sailors.

Then Cannibalism.

Catholicism.

Murdered schoolchildren.

A Malaysian religious festival.

Dead Americans.

And landmines.

I should probably tell you that the hookers weren’t really dead.

The movie lamely tried to explain away the eye movements as post-mortem nerve twitching.

Nice try, jerkoffs.

They didn’t even attempt to explain the obvious and visible breathing.

They just lingered on the breasts.

That’s the problem with movies like this. They’re exploitative in a way that even I find offensive. Exploitative means showing something unnecessary just because you can. 

Those old Pauline Chan movies where she plays a chicken could rationalize the sex scenes because it’s relevant to the plot.

Gone but not forgotten. 

But the ten-minute scene of her showering isn’t necessary. It was just there because it could be.

I use her as an example because she’s name-checked in The Skeleton Road/怪談電影-屍骸之路.

Lucky her.

Exploitation means that people from a first-world city (like Hong Kong) can go to a place like Laos and pay women what I’m sure was a remarkably small amount of money to portray totally naked dead prostitutes in The House of Cold Chicken. 

She’s not dead. But her feet still stink.

It was so crass I almost walked out.

I shouldn’t have watched The Skeleton Road/怪談電影-屍骸之路.

Really.

It made me feel guilty.

Did you ever see photos of the Chinese sailors murdered on the Mekong river a couple years ago?

Thanks to this movie, I have. 

This movie was so bad it wasn’t even showing at the Dynasty.

It was supposed to, but they switched it on me and I had to go to the Newport cinema instead.

I’m just glad cinemas are dark because it’s the only possible setting where you won’t feel so ashamed of yourself that you openly weep tears of embarrassment.

The Skeleton Road/怪談電影-屍骸之路 is just a sh*tty mess, and there’s no other (or better) way to say it.

Beating up on this movie is kind of pointless, because I get the feeling they weren’t trying to make a good movie. They were just trying to make money. Which is really all a geomancer does when you get right down to it.

Hey, don’t get mad at me; I’m not the spirit medium starring in a movie that violates human dignity to enough to make Pol Pot blush.