Treading Blog Water; An Apology

I have been inexcusably remiss of late for not blogging. But it's the first week of the new term, I have a lot of other stuff going on, and I am still writing about other things.

So in the interim, I offer this hopefully amusing take on the currently circulating set of questions. While I could not, at risk of perjury, deny many of the statements and allegations contained herein, I wish to clarify this entry in at least two ways:

1. I am trying to be funny, and in my usual manner, I am being more than slightly hyperbolic.
2. I actually put a lot of thought and effort into my writing, especially humor. I tried therefore to make this set of questions thematically cohesive, which prompts not only convergent, recurring humor, but also (hopefully) humorous digressions/anomalies.

While the theme I employ is absolutely unsurprising, I  do at least hope that you find some of it (I hate saying this) LOL-worthy.

I also hope that somewhere out there is a woman who finds  limber prose with an enormous vocabularyto be something she feels unstoppably driven to have in her own mouth.

So to speak...

On to the questions, and I hope, humor: 1. What time did you get up this morning? It usually occurs during REM sleep (thus I can't look at the clock) and persists until I wake.

1. How do you like your steak? Pink, warm, and juicy. I don't care if it's Japanese, Korean, Chinese, or Singaporean.

Or white meat.

1. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Trick or Cheat. The film succeeded on one of those two promises.

2. What is your favorite TV show? A) A TV version of 100 Girls Come to My House. Starring me. But still filmed in Japan.

A Girl Comes to My House 100 Times would be okay too.

1. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? See #4 above.

2. What did you have for breakfast?  Beef congee.

That's not a euphemism.

1. What is your favorite cuisine? A) Anything eaten in female company. B) Anything female.

2. What foods do you dislike?  Chiu Chow congee. I don't care if the oysters are female.

Thatwants to be a euphemism, I think.

1. Favorite place to eat? The address changes, but the entrance is always beneath a clitoris.

2. Favorite dressing?  Post-coitus.

3. What are your favorite clothes?  Willingly removed skirts/blouses/dresses/pants/etc.

On the floor/bathtub/back seat.

1. Where would you visit if you had the chance? See #9 above.

While tours can be purchased, I find that stumbling into unexpected vistas is much more rewarding. And a lot less risky in medical terms.

1. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Depends on the brassiere, I imagine.

2. Where would you want to retire? "Country Club for the Emotionally Abused, Spiritually Impoverished and Morally Destitute."

They tell me that my table is waiting...

1. Favorite time of day? See #9 above.

2. Where were you born? See #9 above.

3. What is your favorite sport to watch? Intramural Tonsil Hockey.

But only the home games.

1. Bird watcher? Well, this is a former British Colony.

2. Are you a morning person or a night person? Give me 3 minutes and glass of clean water, it doesn't matter.

3. Do you have any pets?Not since I threw out my Penthousecollection.

4. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Tuesday night, for about 30 minutes, I was surrounded by three pretty women who all seemed to enjoy talking to me, and it didn't cost me a dime.

And they weren't tied up.

1. What did you want to be when you were little?

I was never little.

During my divorce (and marriage, come to think of it), my wife categorically disparaged everything about me she found distasteful. As comprehensive as that list may have been, she never assumed the role of a disappointed university trustee who had been the victim of a poor endowment, so to speak. If it had been inadequate, or even perceived as such, I would have heard about it. The fact that I didn't, amidst a remarkably thorough panoply of derisive appraisals, assures me I am not lacking in this particular... generosity.23. What is your best childhood memory? Reaching puberty in 1970s America (the Sexual Revolution had people practically f@#$ing in the streets) and seeing a very bright future for me and my newly haired appendage.

A future darkened almost totally by the dark specter of AIDS right at the point I turned 18. Dammit. But I like to think I discharged my share of revolutionary duties... 24. Are you a cat or dog person? A)See # 9 above.B) Since I live in a former British colony, it is acceptable for me to state unequivocally that I love pussy.

Sometimes even if she's a dog.25. Always wear your seat belt?  See #23 above - Safety is important: No belt, no felt.

1. Pet Peeves?

As long as Peeves wants me to.

And she pets me back. 27. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Living in Hong Kong, I have met women named Pizza.  But never one I wanted to be on top of.

Art reflecting life, sadly...?

1. Favorite Flower? Performance-art reproductions of Georgia O'Keefe paintings.

By women.

1. Favorite ice cream?  Any flavor, as long as there's a navel at the bottom of it.

A) It's my favorite part, that's why. B) Because the obvious choices were too easy.

C) See #9 above: would any of you put (or let someone put) ice cream on it? 30. Favorite fast food restaurant?

In-and-Out Chicken.

Branches all over Hong Kong. Look for the pink or yellow signs.

1. How many times did you fail your driver's test? "Only once, but it was after a big meal, so that don't count."

2. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?  ESP Craft Shop, Shibuya, Tokyo, Japan.

3. Do anything spontaneous lately?  I've typed this whole thing with one hand.

The non-spontaneous one. 34. Like your job? "If they have to pay you to do it, how f@#$ing cool can it be?"

A sentiment no doubt embraced by many of my former tour guides (see #12 above).

1. What was your favorite vacation? A)Tokyo, December 2009 - The Guitars and AV Stars Tour. B) My next vacation from celibacy.

See #12 above?

1. Last person you went out to dinner with? Don Cruz.

Luckily he's not the last person I ate out with.

1. What are you listening to right now?  The sound of one hand fapping (see #33 above).

2. What is your favorite color?

Whatever color hers happens to be.

1. How many tattoos do you have? It depends on whether you're a guy or a girl.

And how much she and I are wearing. 40. Coffee Drinker?

I did meet a woman named Coffee once...