Two Ends of the Spectrum

Lately I've blogged a lot about women.

And why not? Women are the greatest thing ever, and I'm not just saying that because my mother is a woman. I mean, so is my ex-wife.

But never mind.

Women are so magnificent sometimes because of, rather than in spite of, some of their foibles.

Today I want to talk about two of them, located at opposite ends of their bodies.

Forgive me if I say so, but there's really no need for me to describe the magnificent foible in themiddle of them, is there? I thought not. If you don't know, look it up on the internet. There are lots of movies to help you learn.

So... the good news first, or the bad news?

I say, start from the literal and figurative bottom and work your way up.

Women always seem to think that big feet aren't cute.

I mean on women.

Well, you know what's not cute? Seeing feet stuffed into shoes that are too small. Or the "My shoes are too f@#$ing small and it's your fault" face.

And neither are crufty, misshapen hammer toes that have been systematically gnarled by years of mistreatment. They are REALLY not cute hanging over the front edge of much-too-small shoes like vulture's claws. That's scary, not sexy.

What are you, auditioning for yet another version of The Condor Heroes?

Please, wear shoes that are the correct size. For us, for your toes, for the love of God.

I have big feet. US 13 (48 in local terms). I have BIG @SS feet.

I bet your feet are smaller than mine. In fact, I bet they're small.

So unless your feet are bigger than mine, you do NOT have big feet and you can safely wear the correct size of shoe without someone saying "Damn, do you rent those shoes to snakeheads for bringing in illegal immigrants by boat?"

If you're really self conscious about your feet, you know the best place to hide them? Behind our back. I guarantee you we'll never even notice. We'll be focused on a different foible, I promise.

But speaking of the (for me) rare and elusive Double-Back F*ck Turtle...

Up at the top of women (no, above those...), there is something else that women hate but most men love.

Your glasses.

Why do women hate their glasses so much? You look GREAT in them. You look smart, sophisticated, sexy, cute, endearing, and just absolutely fabbing f*ckulous.

Let's face it; women spend the same kind of time and money on glasses as they do with the rest of their wardrobe, so WE know they are the best choice you could make and that they compliment your looks and all that other stuff. Trust us, you bought the best glasses for you. We knowthis.

And WE like them!!! I adore women in glasses (because they're women, of course, but particularly 'lensed' women).

Maybe it's because seeing a woman with and without her glasses is like seeing two different women. But without all the lying and blood tests and restraining orders...

I just always feel terrible that women seem to despise themselves in glasses. I lovewomen in glasses.

Digression: You want men to clean their home/kitchen/office/closet/garage/whatever? Clean your glasses. As much as you paid, and as much as you need them, the least you can do is make a token effort at maintaining their transparency.

I love to clean a woman's glasses.

And that's not a euphemism.

It makes me feel like I accomplished something (like removing a pound of dirt), and women are usually astounded at how much better they can see. The only time they're mad is when they realize that they don't need to replace their glasses and so lose a shopping excuse.

So please, ladies, believe us when we say: YOU LOOK GREAT IN YOUR GLASSES.

Don't believe me? Look:

Why is this gweilo staring at me? To quote David Lee Roth, circa 1980, "No, no, no, no, don't take 'em off. Leave 'em on." But he wasn't talking about glasses.

How great do you look in your glasses? How much do they compliment your (already abundant and stunning) visual appeal?

Me personally, I think glasses make great accessories for your birthday suit.

I have yet to convince a woman to actually keep her glasses on while we indulge in herpetology research.

Thatis a euphemism.

If she has her glasses on, she'll be able to see the turtle more clearly.

Even without all the mirrors.