Why Do You Think They Call It Dope?

I'm making last-minute preparations to go to Singapore next week for a much-needed break.

Even I notice that my blog entries can sometimes be infused with... torque. Someone needs a nap. For about a week.

Everyone kept telling me to go to Bangkok, it's cheap, it's lovely, it's-

No.

Middle aged farangin Bangkok (understandably) constantly get offered a most revolting array of diversions, none of them appetizing and few if any over the age of 15.

It's kind of like the sexual equivalent of the TST "Good tailor, copy watch" Gauntlet of Irritation. I tell all my ABC friends to count their blessings...

Sexual tourism is not my thing; having grown up in a tourist town, I frown upon that activity in any form, but especially one so tawdry as that embodied by the concept "F@#$ the World"...

Besides, I have absolutely no interest in any kind of activity involving ANY physical exertion.

[insert (!) age-sex-exertion joke here]

[Then go f@#$ yourself]

I suppose a lot of these things (and bad jokes) would be non-issues were I not traveling alone.

Except I alwaysseem to be traveling alone.

Which can be annoying because one thing I'd love a vacation from is being alone.

Sadly, this is not to be.

I fully concede that at least 75% of that problem may in fact be attributable to my staunch refusal to change my behavīors into something resembling'socially viable.'

I'm too tired to make that kind of effort right now. And resting will just allow me to come up with a different excuse, so let's just drop it.

It's another reason I chose Singapore; I know several people there; I know no one in Bangkok.

Another sad part of this reality is that for the first time, I have decided to stay where I wanted, not where I could afford. Apparently, I am staying in a verynice hotel.

Too bad I'm the only one who will see it.

I know that no matter how innocuous my motivation, there is no way to invite someone to see your hotel room without them at least wondering if that's not a euphemism.

In this case, it's not. It's a reallynice room! I'll take photos when I get there. But I'll still feel like it's a bit of a waste, if you know what I mean.

And I don't mean that.

The only thing I intend to do in bed is sleep. And I intend to spend a lotof time in bed.

Total laziness is the defining ethos here. It's one reason I chose Singapore. It's small. Even Singaporeans tell me there's not much to see. I'll believe them. Maybe my hotel room is on a high floor and I can do my sightseeing in bed.

Now there'sa phrase that implies something prurient...

I just didn't want to go someplace where I'd feel compelled to exploit the opportunity of being there and drag myself around for a week so I didn't miss anything but didn't rest either. I'm not vacationing. I'm resting.

The other is the air quality; I am sick of smoking half a pack of Pearl River Deltacigarettes a day just by breathing. Singapore has a distance you can see, not just believe in.

In Singapore, the electrical outlets are the same as Hong Kong. I can bring my laptop AND my silly little sleep apnea machine (that ought to make Customs fun...). No confusing adapters to flirt with disaster.

Did that rhyme???

One of the major languages in Singapore is one I already know; English.

I don't speak Singlish, but I have a background in hallucinogens; I think I'll be able to adapt.

And luckily for me, it's going to rain like a cow p*ssing on a flat rock, so I need not haul my sorry @ss around taking pictures.

I'll sit outside in the downpour, eating mangoes and letting nature keep my hands clean.

Ooooh, anotherphrase ripe for misinterpretation...

With any luck, they'll let me swim in the pool during the rain. Try it.

I've arranged for someone to take me to the zoo (I'll need one ticket to get in, and one to get out) and maybethe observation wheel.

I'll go find guitar stores, since A) that's what I do and B) maybe Singapore, unlike Hong Kong, has used gear for sale. Even if they require AC power, the adapters will be the same. Sweet...

I'll eat local food; I sleep in hotels but rarely eat in them.

Another friend said she would take me sightseeing. I told her I'd prefer to simply observe daily life. I find it more interesting. Temples are nice, but I always feel like I'm trespassing.

Just point me towards a bookstore and a guitar shop, and I will be fine.

I think I will like it there.

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Another nice thing about Singapore; they don't suffer fools or dope fiends gladly.

We all know drugs kill, but Singapore will remind you of that in case you forget.

And I for one am glad.

Getting caught smuggling drugs in Singapore is a capital offense.

And it shouldbe.

Let me say at this point that any and all rancor expressed below is directed only at those people who were guilty; I am not saying that executing innocent people is good.

Maybe the first five or ten years they had this rule, I could see a call for lenience.

But guess what? If you don't know by now that drugs=death in Singapore, "You's a stupid motherf@#$er..."

So if you get caught, it's probably best that you get taken out of the breeding pool. The dumb ought not procreate.

It amuses me when people act like it's not fair. What are you, f@#$ing stupid? What do you think drugs do?

Drugs kill people. So killing people who smuggle drugs is not very far removed from the main function of the substance itself. Don't try to avoid the very thing you foist onto other people,  you spineless f@#$. You traffic in death, don't get upset when your turn comes around.

I've buried too many friends to have much sympathy for some moron who gets caught with a pound of heroin strapped to his @ss or shoved up it, much less for the people who profit from pain and misery.

I hear stupid sh*t all the time; "Singapore has no right to kill drug smugglers."

Really? Why not? It's Singapore. Singaporeanshave the right to run Singaporehowever they choose. If they want to kill drug smugglers, it's their country.

Don't like it? Stay out.

"But it's his first offense."

Yeah, it's his last , too.

"He won't do it any more."

I knowhe won't do it any more...

"He didn't know what he was doing."

F@#$ off. You strap a pound of heroin to you, you knowwhat you're doing. You stick it inyou, well, claiming ignorance is just silly...

You're taking a risk. He failed.

"He was trying to help his brother."

His brother the junkie. The dopers knew better than to strap all that dope to a junkie; he'd have f@#$ed off for parts unknown and shoved it up his arm in no time. So they got the brother to do it.

The brother who could have said no.

"But his brother would have been killed."

Yeah, now he can live on as a junkie whose habit helped kill his brother. Trust me, the junkie is probably already back on the spike. Killing himself. It's what junkies do. Death and dope are not a question of ifbut of how much.

Maybe it's just my advancing age, or my phobia about suits because they remind me of court and funerals, but I am sick and tired of hearing people ask for leniency for the one group of people who deserve it least.

The only thing worse than junkies are people who profit from them. These people peddle suffering, misery, shame and death, and they make very good money doing it.

Kill them all. Exterminate them like the vermin they are. They prey on people's weaknesses in the name of profit.

We can't eradicate them, but we can certainly make them... unwelcome.

Louis Koo's fake teeth in Protegewere indeed a laughing matter. That marvelous, soaking sweat when he realizes he just got caught smuggling dope in Singapore is gorgeously accurate. He knows he's going to die. He was just too dumb to think about it beforehand and stop.

Welcome to Singapore. You can be smart, or you can be dead.

I'm going to like it there.