R.I.P bro...been 5 years but you're still always on time...

On January 3rd, 2004 i lost one of my best friends to gang violence...at that time, i took it pretty hard...during those morose moments of despair...an epiphany surfaced...i haven't looked at life the same way ever since...can't believe it's been 5 years now...at times i still forget...he likes to drop in from time to time during my dream stasis... ( talk about r.e.m sleep...i dream like you wouldn't believe...even 5 min. naps produces vivid dreams...) it's always the same atmosphere though...he's just there with everybody else...chillin...hanging out...as if  he never left...sometimes i'm conscious of the fact that he's there...sometimes i'm not...but the times i have been conscious..i get super stoked and try not to make a big deal out of it...or else i'll just end up waking up...i miss him dearly and just want to enjoy his company even if it is just a dream...

i'm really bad with specific dates...i still get shit from my sister for forgetting my parents birthdays every year...what can you do...my mind tends to drift...

couple days ago i dreamt of Richard...i can honestly say it's been awhile since he's been in my dreams...it was fun...seeing him again...his usual and goofy self....i woke up thinking nothing of it...until i noticed the date...man...he even calculated the international time zones and  took it into consideration before dropping by...so typical of him...systematic and precise in everything he did...brought a smile to my face...

i want to share with you guys an entry i wrote back around the time of his passing...i've never shared this with anybody before...i'm usually really private about sharing my entries especially when the subject matter deals with something so personal...but i think its fitting...being 5 years and all...

"It didn’t take long after the New Year before tragedy struck. On the night of Jan.3rd 2004 shots were fired outside of a popular Vancouver night club. Apparently there was a scuffle between two patrons inside the club. The altercation ensued outside onto the streets. Words were exchange and ultimately guns were drawn and fired. The night ended with two dead and 3 injured. One of which was my best friend, Richard." 

"You hear the same old story on the daily news. You watch the same old scenes in movies alike. But you can never really prepare yourself for what it feels like until it happens to you. This is the first time I’ve lost someone so dear to me. I grew up with Richard. He and I were the first ones to fall into the lifestyle together.  We started hanging out early in high school and would grow closer as time went on.  Even though we didn’t attend the same school we would be inseparable when the weekend came around.  We got into the same trouble, dated the same girls, and partied with the same friends. We have had some crazy memories together over the years. As of late, we've seen less of each other, but we still made the effort to catch up during our phone conversations. I think we both sensed that we we were heading down opposite directions in life but regardless, there was just this need to preserve and maintain this bond that only we knew about. I will always remember his innate ability to charm anyone with his words and smile. Whenever he spoke to you , there was this feeling as if you were the only person on this earth at that particular moment. He also had a gift for breaking the tension in the room with one of his many cheesy cracks.  Just his laugh alone can fill the room with solace.  Richard was someone that was going to be my best man at my wedding.  Someone I would leave my kids with for a weekend if I needed a getaway. Someone i would eventually take family vacations with down the road. Someone that i imagined growing old with. Words can't begin to express how i feel right now."

"The night before his funeral service I dreamt of him.  Everybody was there. The wake was packed with familiar faces.  He didn’t seem to know yet but I didn't have the heart to tell him.  Instead i just tried downplaying the situation and pretended like everything was fine. I was flipping through a photo album and asked him to pick out a picture for the collage I was making for him. He picked out the graduation picture with all his high school buddies in it. He then showed immediate disinterest in all that was going on and like he would sometimes do, excuse himself prematurely. “I gotta go, I gotta go get that letter”.  For some reason I replied “Letter? What letter? You mean Andrew Loyd Webber?” I began to laugh and so did he. But his laugh was bizarre and unnatural. I began to think that he somehow sensed the fact that i was trying to divert his attention somehow. The fear i felt after that moment was overwhelming. My whole body began to shake. I was petrified that he would soon realize that this funeral service was for him. There was a long moment of silence that followed. Then i woke up."

"Just yesterday I dreamt of him again. This time the mood was similar but there was a deeper sign of confusion on his face. We were walking through a deserted mall similar to the one we would always hang out at during our high school days. I had my arm hooked around his and i was leading the way. As we walked through the mall i would glance at him from time to time. His eyes were squinty and small and his mouth at times would open and then close. He looked confused, very fatigued and lethargic. This worried me because he's usually composed and very strong. I remember saying to myself, i need to be accommodating, he's my boy, there's no ego here. I felt solely the need to protect him from any awkwardness or uncertainty. As we continued walking we could start to see mutual friends directly ahead. But instead of walking towards us they would keep a fair distance and walk right by us. The expression on their faces were disturbing. Not only did they fail to acknowledge him but they began to whisper secretly amongst themselves. Their behavior was hurtful. I knew exactly what they were saying but i also knew i had to be strong. When i looked at him he was on the verge of tears, he was so confused and hurt. I pulled him closer and i began to walk faster. I tried to divert his attention every time someone walked by. I pointed at this new jacket he's been eyeing for quite some time now. I asked him if he's met any new girls in his life lately. He would then try to talk back but i just kept walking and pretended i didn't hear. I just didn't have the heart to tell him. Maybe i didn't want to believe in it myself. I could feel now that i was also tiring. Near the end of my dream i remember this very vividly. All of sudden he turned to me excitedly and screamed " No, I get it now. It ok! I understand! It's ok, i know now." Instantly, he transformed into the bundle of joy that he was. I was overcome by emotion, speechless and crying as i hugged him. I remember not wanting to let him go. I was so relieved but yet so devastated at the same time. This was when i woke up, eyes full of tears."

Stanley Yang written on Jan. 28th 2004http://www.canada.com/vancouversun/news/story.html?id=0ce03159-aede-40bf-9170-73f929b25561&k=68486