Love of a best friend (part 1) - She left so that I could live

Feb 25th - I was worried. I had a feeling she'd die or close to death's gate. Brought her to a vet.

There were big Labradors, Bulldogs, Maltese, Cats and other kinds of pets. When asked for my pet, the nurse and receptionist were stunned when I showed them my little furry friend. Apparently, her eyes was irritated. She was too hygienic to defend herself against bacteria and stuffs. Little things could easily irritate her skin/body. 

March 8th - she's funny once again!

March 12th -  introduced to the Giant, Bubu. Xu Xu still said "NO!"

March 13th- Sleeping peacefully behind my back.

March 13th - could not be bothered with Cus Cus neither.

March 15th - Cus Cus passed away ; March 16th: GiGi passed.

March 22nd: a big painful mass discovered on Xu Xu's upper right back, covering half  of the rightside of her body . Apparently an infected wound bite, abscess found. Literally 3 holes on her back (yes, I COULD see bones and meat). 

March 23rd: brought her to the Vet in the afternoon. The vet gave her 2 injections. She flopped

                  instantly.

20:00PM:  She looked  tired and in more pain than before the visit. It seemed the med was        

                  too strong for her already weakened body to take.                  seek my palm, pressing herself deep into it. Would not be put aside.

21:00PM: sleeping on my belly while I was watching TV. she barely moved at all. She looked

                  terrible.

23:00PM: would not allow me to take shower, I ended up going like flash the hero from TV

                  series.

23:30PM: had her sleeping on my bed, beside my pillow on a white blanket with green teddy

                  bears.

                  Had a torch beside me, which I ended up having it on after turning it on and off

                  every 2 minutes to check on Xu Xu for hours.

00:20PM: seeking my palm, pressing herself into it again.

01:00PM: moving restlessly.

01:15PM: found her under my pillow. (she was looking for me as I got up to go the toilet).

01:30PM: very heavy breathing, heartbeat dropped from normal 188 to 120.

02:00PM: would not let me adjust my position despite my numb shoulders and arms

02:15PM: heartbeat <100. She would not go back to sleep.

02:30PM: moved her to my chest. her muscles had lost elasticity. Lower lips dropped to her

                  left  and stayed so as I lifted her up after her sliding down my chest. It was heart

                  breaking to watch her growing weaker with each passing minute.

                  she was more hopeless than a furry doll. her heart rate was slower than mine.

                  sounds like heavy machine breathing. She could onlyblink....

                  my tears started rolling...

                  She had not shown any signs of complaint, only teary eyes kept open by force.

02:40PM: she kept staring at me. I stroke her eyes asking her to rest. She would not. I moved

                  her body, her eye balls rolled accordingly to adjust so that she could still see me.

                  I held her little left palm. her saliva wet my chest and her little face. Her breath grew

                  heavier... turned into hick cups. Her heartbeat now slower than mine.

03:00PM: I got up, took her up with me to the living room, sit her on her bottom with her back

                  against my palm. Her hick cups sped up. My heart was breaking every second along

                 with her deteriorating condition.

                  I started talking to her seriously. It seemed she understood as she

                  blinked when she agreed and yanked her foot softly to show her dissatisfaction.

                  Started from the first encounters, adaptations, friendship, till the last recent cases.

                  I can't remember how long I'd been crying. I could not probably even see her face

                 clearly due to welled up tears and yes with grossly dripping down mucus.

03:40PM: Her hick cups came less frequent. Each time took longer time.

03:43PM: Her hick cups only came every so often.

03:44PM: Her little palms and feet trembled uncontrollably. She looked at me directly IN THE

                  EYES, as if screaming out "Mummy! Mummy!!!! Mummy!!!!.....Mummy....." her eyeballs

                  started to pop out, I can tell she was suffocating, her heartbeat suddenly sped up.

                  I could not even describe the courage mixed with fragility that shined through her

                  gaze. I shouted "I love you, Xu Xu. Mummy Love You!" She nodded hard and pushed

                  back her head back twice. Her excessively trembling little palms and feet suddenly

                  stopped and her gaze turned soft. My breath almost stopped. I listened attentively

                  to her heart, it was ultra slow. Started CPR on her. She choked a few times. I was

                  brokenhearted, nervous, scared, hurried watching her little face turning purple.

03:45PM: Kept giving CPR, she choked again. Her heartbeat slowed almost to none.

03:47PM: The choking took longer and longer to take place. Her beat was barely heard

03:48PM: No more choking. No more heartbeat.

03:49PM: For the next 10 minutes, I continued CPR on her.

03:59PM: I broke down

Although, I have been telling myself "things could had gone worse and might never meet its bottom" for sometime but I still could not believe she's gone. My heart went with her, my best friend. I previously considered myself being low in spirit last year where I tend to linger around my pessimistic self.  I was barely hanging on. When Xu Xu died, my mentality almost collapsed along with it. It occurred to me whether I hadn't done enough, if I was not loving, understanding and gentle enough. It is only fair to say that I hardly ever get attached to anything or anyone with such strong bond built on precious drips of compassion and tenderness since I have continuously moved from one country to another. When I was fortunate enough to have had one, it was not even with another human being. THIS FACT did not, does not, will not make the relationship, friendship, or bonds less eligible and real than it WOULD have been if it were between mankind.  If death is ever to be figured out, I might then unveil the reason she left before her time.

Some were worried about me, others commenting I was being too attached to my pets. There were a few who even claimed I should never have pets in the future.  I can understand their concern.  I was shattered not due to losing a pet, a favourite pet, a favourite hamster but because she was Xu Xu. I said "she" not "it". I do not know whether one can relate better to my feelings by imagining  having to lose someone most dear and most beloved.

to be continued....