not cut out for this

    I finally remember why I don’t like to be a leader.  I’m not really the type of person who likes to argue.  In fact, when it comes to arguing….I’d rather give in to the other party then waste my breath yelling.  This is always more apparent when it comes to strong minded people.  I know that it’s just going to mean that I’ll have to go around in circles with them because …in the end….their opinion (to them) is the only “correct” one.  It is very frustrating to work with talented and opinionated people….I want to be fair and give everyone a chance to speak out….but…nobody lets the other person finish what they want to say!!!  It’s impossible!!!  Everyone wants to use their own ideas…but in the end..There has to be a compromise!  I learned from this experience…that the reason why there is one director, one choreographer, and one musical director…is because THOSE PEOPLE ONLY …are in charge!!!  Too many opinions equal ciaos!  Well….I really think that my group is sooo very talented….they are all just too strong minded….and it’s hard because I’m the type of person that people like to take advantage of…because they know that I’m not going to yell or get mad.  Well….it’s been a real headache for me.  And….I don’t really think I’m too cut out for the job.  In fact, I feel so useless because nobody listens to me…..and I feel that there is no respect. And of course, the fact that I have a language barrier.   Well…who am I kidding, right?  I’m only one of the other contestants in this scenario.  I’d almost rather NOT be a contestant for once….and if I’m in charge….than  I am in charge!!!  

    One thing that really made me feel disrespected is that I asked that we rehearse the singing before going into the dance studio.  I wanted all of us to be sure of what we were singing so that when we got to the studio, there would be no time wasted with choreography and blocking.  But…NOOOOO…..almost everyone was late…and we ended up using our dance studio time figuring out the singing parts.  It has been a very unprofessional experience….and I just feel like maybe…I’m the one expecting too much out of them.  I’m used to working a certain way.  And if it’s only me performing…then I want it to be perfect..and I want to know what I’m singing and performing..and be able to do it all without thinking ….and with my eyes closed.  I know, maybe I’m too hard on them…and too hard on myself….but…it does feel much better to write about my feelings…and I do hope that if anyone involved is reading this now…they can understand my frustration and not take it against me.  I don’t want to have to start screening my blogs.  

    There was a point last night, when I really wanted to pull one of them aside to practice a part of the performance….but I hesitated because I didn’t want to seem too pushy with practicing….now, of course, I regret not using that time….I’m definitely not a leader……

   我終於明白為什麼我不喜歡做一個領導人了，因為我最不喜歡和別人 爭論，當別人和我意見左右時，我寧可放棄我的想法 ，也不願意傷和氣去吵架，所以每一次如果要我去和那些比較強硬的 人周旋，我知道自已只能去將就他們的想法，因為他們認為他們永遠 是對的…對我來說和有很多意見，而又有才華的人一起是有壓力的 …我總希望能很公平地讓每一個人都發表他們的意見 ，但是當大家在一起討論時，多數的人都爭發表自已的意見 ，卻不願去聽別人的，每個人都想採用自已的意見，這是不可能的 ，到最後一定得有個綜合性的結果…從這一次的經驗我明白到 ，為什麼只能有一個導演，一個編排，一個音樂總監 ，因為要有一個人把責任擔當下來，太多人的意見有時很難成事 …事實上我那組的人真的都是很有才華的…而且他們都是非常強硬 ，他們看準了我絕不會大叫大嚷，不會發脾氣，所以他們就騎在我的 頭上….所以當我們排練時，我的頭都快炸了，當時我覺得自已完全 不能勝任，因為沒人聽我講，讓我感到他們都不尊重我 ，我也明白自已的語言也是一個障…

   又怎麼樣呢，我只是其中一個參賽者，而且一開始我還不怎麼情願參 加，所以我如果被選上要負責去編排節目，那麼我就該愉快去接受! !!

   其實最讓我覺得他們不尊重我的是，我要求他們把歌練好了再排舞 ，但是他們都不聽還一個個都遲到，結果在排舞室裡再來選歌練歌 ，浪費了很多的時間，這是非常不專業的做法…當然我知道自已對他們要求太多了 ，我太習慣另一種工作態度，如果我只是自已表演，我可以要求十全 十美，我要很清楚知道自已唱什麼，怎麼表演，每一舉一動都不用思 攷就可以表現出來…但是我知道，我不可以問樣去要求別人….

      不過至少我可以寫出我的感覺，我會覺得好一些…

希望當任何一個參加演出的組員看到我寫的，能夠明白這是當時我的 感受，希望不要以為我在說你們什麼…

   昨天晚上有那麼一剎那，我真的希望能拉其中一位在一旁練習 ，但我沒這樣做，因為我不希望他們會認為我強迫他們練習 …過後我慶幸自已沒那麼做…因為我知道自已絕不是一個領導者……